Here I am with tears after watching "a little bit of heaven"
Everyone must watch
Appreciate the little things like the sun rise how the rain falls how a beautiful flower grows.
The smile of a child when they giggle and when they hug u....
Here I am always living with hate and resentment for everything
From my child molestation to my parents treating me like Cinderella.
I never once said I forgave and I never thought I could
That I would be in this position that I am in but here I am enduring something no one really knows just bits and pieces
At first I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia
With my PTSD and my severe anxiety I was like great wow more pain
As if the pain that lingered in my heart wasn't bad enough
Then after further testing resulted in me having a few cancer cells lingering inside of me
Well being as how most of my others side has had cancer I just shrugged it off and never really told anyone not even my husband not even my closes friends not even family
I haven't been feeling myself lately
I've been irritable and getting the flu more and more
So now I have to get a colonoscopy because I've been bleeding
And amongst other things I'm scared of what the results might be
If its cancer ill except it because that's just my destiny
But I will not go down miserable bald I refuse
I want to spend as much time making my kids laugh
Playing with my dogs writing my life down
My journey from a child abused and scarred for life but that survived
The nights are always the worst for me
So to the man who damaged me I forgive you I grant you this and I also grant you that u can find peace within yourself to realize that the demons that were u my nightmares are hereby released from within me
To my parents I never hated you I resented that you gave my other brother everything and regardless when u needed me I ran
I always never stopped loving you guys
No matter how much I needed your love and it was refused to be shown
I forgive you
I love you and I hope that no matter what the outcome is
That you will not cry
That you will just be there for the kids keep making them smile because it warms my heart when you guys spend time with them
To my other mother Josie my other in law
I can never ever imagine a better mother in law
No matter how much we bumped heads no matter how much you got under my skin I know now all you wanted what was best for your son and that I was the first to give you your grand daughter and I hope that every time you look at her she can heal the pain of your lost of your own child and that you can also see me in her too please stay strong and forever know that everything you did for me that no one else cared to do for me I love you so much more that I can ever say so smile because you're my angel
To Steven
I know threw our ups and downs our hate and love relationship I know underneath it all I held your heart
I hope u find peace and even with no matter what happens that you can look into brandens eyes and remember my eyes and when you hear navayli laugh u can remember my laugh
And when you see Ethan get Emo that u can remember he carries the pain I carried but this I forgive u.... I release u of everything you think I resent you for
I hope that one day you can look past the hurt and find love again and that you can look at the kids and know that once upon a time is a happily ever after because ours is them .....
Take the kids to Florida move get away from the cold and live it up at the beach!
To my best friend
You know who u are
I love u so much
You listened when I had no one else did
You were my therapist my other half the person I didn't expect would understand
Even though we are like salt and sugar total opposites I wouldn't change it
I would love to have granted all your wishes but here I am on a journey that I just wish you could understand
Here I am wanting nothing but the best for u despite us falling out
Forever remember Edgar Allen Poe
To smoothie
You're amazing stay amazing you have a golden heart
Don't ever change
Take advantage of everything around you live and don't let nothing get you down.
Be there for lily please
Be a role model to her
Always know that ill appreciate all our talks our insiders and everything else
To pumpkin
If I can surpass this u can surpass anything
Remember love doesn't hurt
I loved you always my white girl
Smile more and continue on your mission to rescue strays and save yourself before you lose yourself ....
To Billie and Lauren
Love has its moments
Don't kill each other lol
Be there for each other stand together
Billie u were always a pain in my ass the little sister I didn't ask for that fell into my lap
Everything I advised you and told u I hope you listened grow forget the past let it all goo write in a paper rip it and let the wind carry it away
Having that pain u carry within will only make loving harder will only make love harder trust I know this ! You're a tough little cookie and you can do anything you set your heart to
To my bugga aka Rachel
You've pissed me off so much it's not even funny
I hope you can conquer everything you want to
Do me a favor travel every state and in every state plant a flower for me
That's all ill ask for u that way I know that you thought of me in your road trips that I couldn't join in that I promised I would. Travel see the world follow everything your heart desires let nothing stop I ever ! True happiness comes from within and you're an amazing person to have listened to me when I lost my baby to have stood up all those nights keeping me company and making sure I didn't cut, I love u so much :)
If I missed anyone I'm sorry ....
Always remember my smiles and how I was there right now I just need time to heal and watch my kids grow
To be a good mom as best as a I can with what time I have
No one will ever comprehend how I just can't fight fate
Fate Is what has me writing this
Live the vida loca ya heard everyone throw a big party and don't cry don't worry don't do no funeral just celebrate a big celebration for my kids because I left behind a legacy !
