thinking....

i sometimes wonder why the bad things always have to happen to me
like why us
does it even matter anymore
to continue
to even bother to try to be happy
when no matter where i turn there's a brick wall in my wall
im smashing into it
im clawing trying to reach over it
yet to no avail i cant seem to conquer this wall
sitting here with so many thoughts running threw my head
i wonder if maybe if i wouldve done things differently
taken that path on the right instead of the left
but then would i have later regret it
everything in life is a choice
then later u think and regret
wonder what if
does everyone feel this way?
i can only wonder
this sucks

choking in shallow water....

looking in the mirror
tears engulf my face
who is this girl
this sad broken girl
once independent
stubborn as a mule
caring and kind
now cold as stone
i touch this mirror
wishing the girl back
willing her back
where did she go
did i really get lost in the midst of being a mother
losing my identity
my will to strive to focus on them
like was it really fair to them to stop being who i used to be???
really passion
stop the tears
swallow this all up
climb out of this shallow lake uve stepped into
choking
cant move
feeling like this disability has put me in a pit
when did i let this overwhelm me
is he right
am i not the same girl i was ten years ago
sitting here crying trying to put the pieces back together
and its like really was there any missing pieces at all????
then what was the whole point of me stepping into this lake
did i really want to dive into it
or did i just automatically climb into it
where did i turn left instead of right
so many questions
tears
yet no answers
who will ever have all the answers
no one...
not even my perfect self that i was once was
why did i do all this
sitting here in silence with thoughts pouring out my brain like fucking water overflowing
tripping over them
choking
no i will strive
i will be the girl
again
independent
not reliaying on anyone but herself to make her happy once again
escaping in the thoughts of books and words
that i once loved to pour it out of me
i loveed to write for hours
now to grab a pen feels like im being tortured
i will be this girl
i will find this balance
i will not let anyone love me less then what i deserve
ive proven enought to steven that i love him more than i love myself
no its time to prove to myself that i can love myself
willingly
wholely
truely
madly
deeply
all of me
even the broken parts of me
sitting here
breeathiinnggg
relaxed
no longer choking...
in shallow water

the clouds have cleared....

theres no window u can peak threw to see all that ive gone threw
because ive blocked the windows with cement
now theres nothing left to do but close the chapters of my past
place em on a book shelf and move it right along
some people need to do the same exact thing
why because holding on to the past just makes u bitter
weak
cold hearted
etc....
and now that the clouds have cleared
and my mind is straight
i feel like i got the upper hand to be a better person than i ever was
better than what i was raised as
better then the pain that devoured my soul for years
from all the mental physical emotional and verbal abuse
so now that the clouds are clear i see the sun shinning
with a beautiful rainbow
i sit and smile pretty
because i know
nothing can ever bring me down

spinning...

she loves me...
she loves me not....
she wants me...
she wants me not....
sometimes i feel caught up in her web of lies and deceit
how did i get myself involved again
i have to get myself out of this before i go insane
slipping into this pool of tears
this sick hold and power she has over my heart
now i must be strong and break free
what doesnt work now wont ever work ever
i have to learn that the hard way
everything gets thrown in my face
they say im tripping
they say im insane
they say why bother when u have a wonderful man
they are all right
but i cant help the way that i feel
ive been this way for so many years
hard to change the roots of a tree when its been in growing like this for so many years
yet im removing the roots that dont work
that are severely damaged
ive woken up
realized no one can love me the way my kids and my husband can love me
but ill be forever apart of her ....