You
You're words seeped into my veins
Like a sweet venom
Killing everything
Every feeling
Numb
You
You made everything hurt so bad
How
Oh when it was so good
Now I sit here
Feeling like a total fool
You
Was it even all real?
Was it worth how I feel now
At the complete end
We both took the first chance out
Ran
You
Now I sit here
Numb
Thinking
Feeling
You
Hurts so bad
Never
Again
Good bye
Here I am with tears after watching "a little bit of heaven"
Everyone must watch
Appreciate the little things like the sun rise how the rain falls how a beautiful flower grows.
The smile of a child when they giggle and when they hug u....
Here I am always living with hate and resentment for everything
From my child molestation to my parents treating me like Cinderella.
I never once said I forgave and I never thought I could
That I would be in this position that I am in but here I am enduring something no one really knows just bits and pieces
At first I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia
With my PTSD and my severe anxiety I was like great wow more pain
As if the pain that lingered in my heart wasn't bad enough
Then after further testing resulted in me having a few cancer cells lingering inside of me
Well being as how most of my others side has had cancer I just shrugged it off and never really told anyone not even my husband not even my closes friends not even family
I haven't been feeling myself lately
I've been irritable and getting the flu more and more
So now I have to get a colonoscopy because I've been bleeding
And amongst other things I'm scared of what the results might be
If its cancer ill except it because that's just my destiny
But I will not go down miserable bald I refuse
I want to spend as much time making my kids laugh
Playing with my dogs writing my life down
My journey from a child abused and scarred for life but that survived
The nights are always the worst for me
So to the man who damaged me I forgive you I grant you this and I also grant you that u can find peace within yourself to realize that the demons that were u my nightmares are hereby released from within me
To my parents I never hated you I resented that you gave my other brother everything and regardless when u needed me I ran
I always never stopped loving you guys
No matter how much I needed your love and it was refused to be shown
I forgive you
I love you and I hope that no matter what the outcome is
That you will not cry
That you will just be there for the kids keep making them smile because it warms my heart when you guys spend time with them
To my other mother Josie my other in law
I can never ever imagine a better mother in law
No matter how much we bumped heads no matter how much you got under my skin I know now all you wanted what was best for your son and that I was the first to give you your grand daughter and I hope that every time you look at her she can heal the pain of your lost of your own child and that you can also see me in her too please stay strong and forever know that everything you did for me that no one else cared to do for me I love you so much more that I can ever say so smile because you're my angel
To Steven
I know threw our ups and downs our hate and love relationship I know underneath it all I held your heart
I hope u find peace and even with no matter what happens that you can look into brandens eyes and remember my eyes and when you hear navayli laugh u can remember my laugh
And when you see Ethan get Emo that u can remember he carries the pain I carried but this I forgive u.... I release u of everything you think I resent you for
I hope that one day you can look past the hurt and find love again and that you can look at the kids and know that once upon a time is a happily ever after because ours is them .....
Take the kids to Florida move get away from the cold and live it up at the beach!
To my best friend
You know who u are
I love u so much
You listened when I had no one else did
You were my therapist my other half the person I didn't expect would understand
Even though we are like salt and sugar total opposites I wouldn't change it
I would love to have granted all your wishes but here I am on a journey that I just wish you could understand
Here I am wanting nothing but the best for u despite us falling out
Forever remember Edgar Allen Poe
To smoothie
You're amazing stay amazing you have a golden heart
Don't ever change
Take advantage of everything around you live and don't let nothing get you down.
Be there for lily please
Be a role model to her
Always know that ill appreciate all our talks our insiders and everything else
To pumpkin
If I can surpass this u can surpass anything
Remember love doesn't hurt
I loved you always my white girl
Smile more and continue on your mission to rescue strays and save yourself before you lose yourself ....
To Billie and Lauren
Love has its moments
Don't kill each other lol
Be there for each other stand together
Billie u were always a pain in my ass the little sister I didn't ask for that fell into my lap
Everything I advised you and told u I hope you listened grow forget the past let it all goo write in a paper rip it and let the wind carry it away
Having that pain u carry within will only make loving harder will only make love harder trust I know this ! You're a tough little cookie and you can do anything you set your heart to
To my bugga aka Rachel
You've pissed me off so much it's not even funny
I hope you can conquer everything you want to
Do me a favor travel every state and in every state plant a flower for me
That's all ill ask for u that way I know that you thought of me in your road trips that I couldn't join in that I promised I would. Travel see the world follow everything your heart desires let nothing stop I ever ! True happiness comes from within and you're an amazing person to have listened to me when I lost my baby to have stood up all those nights keeping me company and making sure I didn't cut, I love u so much :)
If I missed anyone I'm sorry ....
Always remember my smiles and how I was there right now I just need time to heal and watch my kids grow
To be a good mom as best as a I can with what time I have
No one will ever comprehend how I just can't fight fate
Fate Is what has me writing this
Live the vida loca ya heard everyone throw a big party and don't cry don't worry don't do no funeral just celebrate a big celebration for my kids because I left behind a legacy !
Make u cry
Bash your feeling
Make u feel like scum
Make u feel never good enough
Love doesn't force u to stay when u want to let go
Move on
To be happy
Because you're no longer happy
Love doesn't see your silent pain from the loneliness
The loneliness that no matter what they do say or buy
Will ever be filled
How can u explain to someone who only hears what they want to hear
But not what u want them hear
It's so hard
Yet I sit hear
With this heavy feeling in my heart
Waiting for the moment that I can sign those papers
That I can just be free of the burden of feeling like im property
Never a true love
No matter how many times he says I love u
I don't feel it
Is it me
Am I crazy
It hurts
To see me hurt him
But I don't feel how he feels
It's been a long time
It's time to end my suffering
My loneliness
And seek myself
I lost myself
Love doesn't
Simply exist ....
Do I have a sign that says trample over me
Use me
Treat me like garbage
Can I ever have just a slight piece of happiness
Of true friendship
Of true family ?
So many questions
Yet I close my eyes and pray and feel no answers
Enduring so much that's within me yet no voice
Cannot utter nothing
Because even if I did no one would care
Is it me ?
I gave up on therapy it worked for awhile but at the end of the day I still felt empty
The only thing that makes me happy is getting Prettyeyez
Doing my hair
My nails
And making every moment of my kids lives special
I guess I'll stay jaded forever
But that's just me
Yup that's just me ....
Changed my cell #
It was a drastic move but it needed to be done
I need to just stay away from certain individuals that did nothing but stress me out make me cry or use me
I hope this works
I hope I can stay strong
I needed this
I really do
Everything I do is always drastic
But is much needed !
That is all nothing else new
It is wtf it is !
I don't really go in depths anymore on here
No one really knows this blog exists
I've shut everyone out
I honestly don't care about "friendships" I don't care about what people think
If they need me or don't
I got tired of being there for everyone
And all I got was jack
I just love my walls
My walls won't talk back or make me feel worthless
They won't judge me if I cut
If I cry
If I play music to loud or watch tv for hours or sleep for long periods of time
It is what it is
If no one likes that I've secluded myself and became very introverted then they don't have to know absolutely anything
My mom says I've lost too much weight
This is true
Depression has bestowed upon me like a plague
Zoloft does nothing anymore
I sleep
Wake up
Feel like a zombie
No emotions
The only time I feel is when I close my eyes
Before I dream
Of the grass beneath me
I just know
That I want to feel that grass again
See those stars above me
Shinning
Sigh one day I know it will happen
I've been very sad
Just very very sad
I cry don't want no one to know of this pain that always appears in October
We went to sesame place again
And the aquarium
Got the boys into Boy Scouts
Very hectic schedule
Homeschool well it's going
We hit a few snags on our journey but nothing is stopping us
Not even this piece of shit depression
I want to go away for a weekend
I told Steven and he agrees I need time away
Not no NYC trip
Just a nice hotel by the beach or a inn or bed and breakfast
That would be totally nice
Ah I can dream cuz I know it's out of the question
I love how regardless if I speak to anyone I'm constantly a topic of conversations
I find it funny that people who's lives are royally fucked up have the time and energy and even audacity to judge me
So I say
Judge me not because you are not god you are simply human and have failed in many ways just as I have because I am not perfect I will never be perfect and neither will you !
I will no longer adapt people's drama because then it will become my own
I miss going to see Jacob my therapist but ugh my schedule has no room to sit and talk about feelings
Sit and talk about the devil man that lurks my dreams and haunts my soul
No one shall ever know the depths of secrets
The depths of my scars
I just know that one day these chains that are sinking me to the bottom of my ocean of pain
Will break
And I will fly high
That I can touch the edge of the universe
A girl can dream right ...
Xoxo passion
