when things get rough...

so i know i sometimes lash out emotionally and like clam up and shut everything off inside and out
i dont do it on purpose
its just how ive always dealt with problems and just cry silently in the shower
i sometimes dont like to speak to others cuz then they will try to force their thoughts on me
when people come to with problems or issues i just listen
and try to make em see both sides of the street and let them decide instead of forcing
my own opinion on them
i guess everyone is different u can say

preparing for ethan's birthday he going to be the big 6! he started kindergarten and the first day he cried but then after that he has been good and excited and oh so eager to go.

im proud of my kids that are the reason why i am still alive honestly.

life has its many shares of bumps in the road
its how we pass threw em that matter


Do you wanna dance

i sure can use some dancing i went out with dan and panda to shampoo and boy we had to much fun dancing drinking and the gay guys were so much fun ah i must do it again word

thats all for now
hopefully ill post more soon
xoxo

thinking....

i sometimes wonder why the bad things always have to happen to me
like why us
does it even matter anymore
to continue
to even bother to try to be happy
when no matter where i turn there's a brick wall in my wall
im smashing into it
im clawing trying to reach over it
yet to no avail i cant seem to conquer this wall
sitting here with so many thoughts running threw my head
i wonder if maybe if i wouldve done things differently
taken that path on the right instead of the left
but then would i have later regret it
everything in life is a choice
then later u think and regret
wonder what if
does everyone feel this way?
i can only wonder
this sucks

that kiss - poem

when our lips meet eachother
an electricity runs a course threw my body
like a toxic shock threw my veins
feeling everything tingle
that kiss
so precious
so delicatable
i wanna savour every bit of it
pulling u closer to me
so i can be connected
as one
that kiss
that seems to remind me of our love
the power
the passion
the connection
all in that kiss
just one kiss can prove so much
can silence the thoughts
can silence the hurt
that kiss
that takes me to the deepest part of you
of me
that kiss
entwined me and you
in that kiss

out of the funk

So I started seeing a new psychiatrist and yeah I'm not too thrilled with the results on how they handling my medication when I've been on em for five years. Hopefully she will listen to me and see that I'm not lying and that yes I do need em! Still have yet to have a session with Watson my therapist ugh waiting for him to schedule and appointment I just hope he is free soon if not I guess this will be my outlet lol. I mean that was the purpose of it anyways to begin with. I slept for two days and cried alot. Feeling overwhelmed and like my life has taken a turn to a place I never expected to. My new friend Dan she cheers me up and basically out of no where I snapped out of the depression I was in. Branden started 2nd grade today and I cried seeing how quiet and reserved he is. I hope he does well and I can't wait till he comes home and tells me how it went. Ethan will be starting on Tuesday so I get a few more days at home with my chubby lovable emo boy. I just hope he doesn't get too clingy and cry because then I will cry even more! I wonder of other mothers feel this way? Makes me wonder Me and Steven have been good thank god. He makes me laugh so much I simply adore it. Me and Steph had a nice day out yesterday and I so needed it because he has been working so much that my whole days have been nothing but full blown mommy mode. Well that's it for today hopefully a good poem will arise from me if not stay tuned xo

Something sent i wanna cherish

Without darkness you will see no light without rain you will see no sun without pain you will feel no pleasure don't let this cold world make you believe you can't stand on your own don't let this cold world knock you down remember you are a child of god and no matter what and where this world takes you that you can conquer anything hold your head high and keep that beautiful smile on your face and everything will fall into place

Changes and update

So everything has been pretty smooth. But they cut hubby's hours so we have to make some sacrifices aka our wonderful new cell phones! I mean its for the best plus with the kids starting school in sept we really can use that extra 200 that we waste on damn phones on them. Being a parent always means sacrificing but I'm not down but I'm proud cuz I know I got my priority in the right orders unlike others!! So on the 25th me and make ten years whoa I know and things couldn't be any stronger for me and him def really amazing. He is going to have his mom come down this weekend so we can have some alone time and go out. Yay!!

Bad news is my cyst came back in my head :( I'm like devastated cuz I don't want my beautiful hair to be shaved off and ugh imma have to rock the Cassie look and I don't want anyone to think I'm doing it by choice. The doc didn't call me so I'm guessing it was non cancerous which means it's operable and the meds I'm on can be on it's way to working. I read online that u can continue to get them and I remember having one when I was little but my mom doesn't know much details. Ain't that wonderful of her? Can u hear the sarcasm in that um yeah def !! Smfh I guess my mom just isnt those moms that really pay attention.

Got to spend some time with my bro tone and it was nice we talked but it was short lived cuz he went back to being miserable when I was trying to push him to be better. I guess some people just don't wanna move forward he is just going to keep getting shoved down. I feel so bad for him but eh can't do nothing about it now.

My netbook is also on the brink of messing up on me it's hard for it to charge I hope very soon I can come into some money and buy a Mac book so bad like seriously!! Oh and an iPad cuz I love my iPod so much it's ridiculous tee hee

Well that's all that's new hopefully with this new app I can write more poems on here

Xxoo

under pressure

when the mountain seems so high
that im climbing
trying to reach that peak
but i just continue to slip further down
instead of up
wish there was an elevator
it would be much easier
but life is never easy
obstacles always in the way
must take steps forward
not give up
not look down
cuz if i look down ill get scared
and never make it to the top
must continue
under so much pressure
as the air gets thinner as the peak gets closer
i slip
down i go again
but i cant give up
i continue forward
praying to god to give me the will to carry on
here i go again
under pressure
to reach that unattainable peak
this mountain of my life
stones crumbling beneath my feet
oh lord help me reach the top
under pressure