back on track

so as the tears flowed from my face
and the overwhelming feeling of failure settled into the pits of my stomach
i prayed for two weeks
in hopes that god would see my pain
acknowledge my misery
and see that i was doing the best i could with good intentions
so today finally as tears flowed from my eyes another time
i recieved a phone call of confirmation that i needed
even when my parents failed me god didnt
with much needed support of my loyal friends who encouraged me that they will be there for me have been and i thank them with all my heart
and with the loving support of my soulmate who stood positive as i broke
i wouldnt have surpassed this hurdle if it wasnt for u guys
for the lord in finally feeling like yes u do listen
and yes u do prevail to those who believe in u mind heart body and soul
im back on track
my mind is back to being focused and driven
there aint no stopping me
ive endured and now im a better person
thank u lord!!!

randomness

i feel overwhelmed
like these bricks on my shoulders are making me sink into quick sand
i scream yet no words escape my mouth
i reach out theres no hand there to guide me and pull me out
this pit is getting deeper and dark
everything feels like its unraveling before my eyes
one minute pure happiness
then reality sets in and its like poof a wake up call
why is it when ur the most happy reality bites u in the ass
im strong but theres only so much i can take with my bipolar disorder
my feelings get bundled up till i exploded into fits
of crying and rage and anger
and then i feel empty
so so so empty
and when they emptiness sets in alcohol seems to be my remedy
my meds are my consolidation
not hugs not kisses
maybe i should just lock myself away to the asylum
but i cant and i wont give up
i got god on my side he told me so
he said lots will try to break me but i got a good heart
and he sees my heart
but right things are getting harder and harder
so im reaching out to those that i think can help me and so far 3 have stepped up
my own parents abandoned me and tell me oh wells
wtf type of shit is that
living with lupus isnt easy i hurt everyday
the meds make me sleep endlessly i cant barely function yet i gather the strength to do so
because of my kids they are my will to live
hubby is my back bone thats why he will choose me always over anyone else
i just wish i never had lupus or bipolar manic depressive
these labels arent me
im flawed but im also human
which human isnt flawed??
this never ending pit i feel that im in
im clawing my way out of it
one way or another.....
just wait and see

destruction - poem

my heart was a ragged old building
that caught fire
i never did anything
that my heart desired
i had no tenants within it
my heart was broken
but i covered it up with a smile
the fire left scars
but no one would see
the destruction of my heart
no one helped me
the destruction of my soul
layed in a pile of ashes
on the cement floor
now i believe that one day
i can fix my aching heart
and i will continue to pray
the destruction of my heart
was a pile of ashes
my love was everlasting
my heart doesnt need these bashings
but i've rebuilt it
so it will all be fine
i will always remember this day
the day my heart got destroyed

devotion - poem

i want to stare at his eyes and get lost like the sea
i want to kiss those lips and the truth i wanna be
he got that swag that got me so mesmerized
i just wish he would let me win him like the pulitzer prize
everytime i think of that smile that crosses those lips
now i can feel them on mine is surely a bliss
i want to be the one you can put ur arms around to
i want to be ur addiction and ur boo
ill be devoted in your love like never before
ill give u my all all that i can give gallore

dedicated to him

"For A Moment" by brooke hogan

Lately I've been thinking about the ups & downs
We've been through together and how we almost lost our ground
We held on long enough to see all the good out weigh the bad
And I'm thankful, so grateful for everything we have
But for a moment I thought I lost everything
For a moment I forgot about our memories
Then I woke up and I realized how much you mean to me
For a moment I thought I lost you and me

My first love, my first kiss I shared both of them with you
From the first time we locked eyes I knew you and I would be the truth
But since then you've lied to me and I've lied to you
But we made up and I'm thankful so grateful
For everything we have
So beautiful that's what we are
I'm your sky and your my star
All the trials that we've been through
Only made us who we are today

But for a moment I thought I lost everything
For a moment I thought forgot about our memories
Then I woke up and I realized how much you mean to me
For a moment I thought I lost you and me

Your connected to everything and everybody that matters to me
Your the center all my charm without I wouldn't be
I thought I lost my best friend
My perfect world came to an end
But it was just a dream that felt like reality

But for a moment I thought I lost everything
I thought I lost my baby
I forgot about our memories
Then I opened my eyes
Then I woke up and I realized how much you mean to me
For a moment I thought I lost you and me
I thought I lost you and me

loving

i love the way me and him are together. we fell asleep holding hands after a beautiful nite together. he always knows how to make me feel so loved. i wont ever change how our relationship as of right now its so perfect. we've come to a conclusion that its all about us and we really are unbreakable. he will stay away from everyone and i didnt ask him to its his choice. im his family now me and the kids thats all that matters in his life so imma go threw hell and back to make his life the best as possible and keep him content. we was talking about possibly having another baby in 5 years once i get a lil better. im excited for wat the future has in store for us. only god knows my heart and only he can judge me the rest that choose to say things about me well guess wat when ur pointing one finger at me theres 4 more pointing back at u..... so the lesson ive learned is that IM THAT BITCH! lol. thats all for now bye bye :)

why

im kinda typsi so i need to rant..... why when u like someone they seem so standoffish.....
and then the ones ur with treat u like crap and all u want is just mad attention
i for one love attention but if i had the rite one id treat em like a queen of my castle
the little things count to me so much more than extravagant gifts
im sipping on this cherry vodka and coke with 7 zanies in my system so i know imma read this tomorrow and be like um yea u wrote this on an emotionaly time so i found a few poem books of mine and im excited!@ I so need to get back into the writting game just need tons of inspiration...

so heres a poem for some thoughts and isnpiration *sips on cherry vodka and coke* hope ya enjoy its from like 1999

crying insider.
im shouting
but no one can hear me
im crying
but no one can c me
this is all
happening inside of me
these true feelings
are so hard to hide
but each day
i get better and stronger
this pain cannot beat e
not forever
as i continue
to cry
deep inside
i continue to shout
not no one has heard my cries.....
written by lela

uber twitter for blackberry

so with the update we are able to post vids and block those annoying lil tweekers lol. i like the way that sounds. i love it so far cuz i am a hard core twitter addict. so heres the link and make sure u update and keep up!! enjoy xoxox

You can download the Beta 4 release of UberTwitter free, by visiting http://www.ubertwitter.com/bb/download.php from your BlackBerry Browser.