batches of poems

i wouldve stayed
u threw the blame on me

treated our love like a game

i had to prepare myself for this fall

thought we couldve conquered it all

but i failed to see the lies

the deception

now all thats left for me to do is cry

gotta let go and simply say good bye

got so many questions

yet u wont answer why

i wasnt perfect yet no more chances were given

i wanted to be ur sweetest sin

and weather this storm

but now im standing here without u

had to say good bye

had to let myself cry

i wouldve stayed if u begged

i wouldve stayed if u wouldve accepted me

wouldve stayed for love

baby i miss u

dont want to love u

hate that i like u

i wouldve stayed….


too many times before
too many times before

i changed who i was for the one who loved me

yet i stood there alone silently hurting

because it just wasnt me

just wasnt meant to be

too many times before i let go of something good

for something even better

and i ended up alone and hurting

too many times before i let go of the bad and held on to it

never wanting it to end

never wanting to let it go

too many times before i cried alone in the dark

silently hurting silently praying

too many times before i gave up too soon

no regrets just wonders of what couldve been

too many times before

but we all live learn and grow

too many times before

and yet im still standing



not right now
u want me to change

not right now

u want me to be different

not right now

i cant change who i am inside

not right now

i am simply me

take it or leave it

u want me to change

sigh

not right now

u want me to be different

not right now

u want me to be affectionate

not right now

just not right now

or maybe ur just not the one i choose not to do it with….

just not right now

birthdays....

so my 4 year old is going to be FIVE omg !!
cant believe how time flew. so he decided on a transformer party so i ordered his cake from shopright cuz the cake looked amazing.
and we just going to do a lil family gathering and just something simple between us...

then a month later will be brandens birthday which will be near halloween so i will do it in his class room so that way my house will be MESS free!!!

going to do paper bag initials and just something simple off the martha stewart site that i saw that i really liked alot

so after that halloween will come and i also printed out something from martha stewart on some halloween treat bags which will be awesome to do and have em around the table for the kiddies to come and trick or treat !!!

i wish i can do a halloween party lets see if i can

well thats all thats new

xoxo

the yoyo effect

life is like a yoyo
we have many downs
lots of ups
lots of tangles
and tons of dangling just there
i sometimes feel like that
that our love is like a yoyo
thats sometimes uncontrollable because i dont know if its going to stay down or its going to come back up..
good analogy i think...

so we managed to surpass our bump in the road thanks to my therapist.
she is helping in more ways then she can imagine.
she knows what to say to snap me out of my daze and my inner world that i seem to be stuck in ...
i dont like many people enter into my world
so it was not that hard to open up because i do seek help and love to talk when im not being pressured. when im pressured i seem to shut down like a car overheating.
idk why but just the thought of expressing myself to someone THAT close to me scares the shit outta me .
im sitting here waiting to get picked up for a night out yes i know shocking i havent been out in forever so i can use it ...
im so nervous tho.!
extrememly and beyond compression!
sigh
okay so let me enjoy my night out and hopefully ill come back with a huge grin on my face i so deserve this xo

where should i go from here?

so im like royally depressed.
cant believe just one smart remark from me turned into world war three.
i feared the worse of this outcome.
yet because i stood quiet and didnt express myself nor did i spazz i just sat back and watched HIM spazz.
now im the bad guy?
i just dont get it.
this is the second time this week someone has spazzed at me for no reason.
and i aint the type to sit there and argue i just let you speak what u have to speak and keep it moving because im not going to get myself worked up over nothing.
ive learned to control myself beyond anything.
ive learned that arguing just makes u look like a fool so in the end why argue? to get your point across but no one will respect it?
see how it makes no sense to bother with words anymore to humans. i think my dog understands be better lmao.
then they let a few hrs past and realize how fucked up THEY were and come and apologize. im tired of hearing im sorry
i just want PROOF thats all...
im not asking for castles or stars... i jut want solid proof this shit isnt going to continue and there will be progress at the end of the day....
thats it for now...
bye