Drastic but much needed

Changed my cell #
It was a drastic move but it needed to be done
I need to just stay away from certain individuals that did nothing but stress me out make me cry or use me
I hope this works
I hope I can stay strong
I needed this
I really do
Everything I do is always drastic
But is much needed !
That is all nothing else new
It is wtf it is !

I just know ... Update

I don't really go in depths anymore on here
No one really knows this blog exists
I've shut everyone out
I honestly don't care about "friendships" I don't care about what people think
If they need me or don't
I got tired of being there for everyone
And all I got was jack
I just love my walls
My walls won't talk back or make me feel worthless
They won't judge me if I cut
If I cry
If I play music to loud or watch tv for hours or sleep for long periods of time
It is what it is
If no one likes that I've secluded myself and became very introverted then they don't have to know absolutely anything

My mom says I've lost too much weight
This is true
Depression has bestowed upon me like a plague
Zoloft does nothing anymore
I sleep
Wake up
Feel like a zombie
No emotions
The only time I feel is when I close my eyes
Before I dream
Of the grass beneath me
I just know
That I want to feel that grass again
See those stars above me
Shinning
Sigh one day I know it will happen

I've been very sad
Just very very sad
I cry don't want no one to know of this pain that always appears in October

We went to sesame place again
And the aquarium
Got the boys into Boy Scouts
Very hectic schedule
Homeschool well it's going
We hit a few snags on our journey but nothing is stopping us
Not even this piece of shit depression

I want to go away for a weekend
I told Steven and he agrees I need time away
Not no NYC trip
Just a nice hotel by the beach or a inn or bed and breakfast
That would be totally nice
Ah I can dream cuz I know it's out of the question

I love how regardless if I speak to anyone I'm constantly a topic of conversations
I find it funny that people who's lives are royally fucked up have the time and energy and even audacity to judge me
So I say
Judge me not because you are not god you are simply human and have failed in many ways just as I have because I am not perfect I will never be perfect and neither will you !
I will no longer adapt people's drama because then it will become my own

I miss going to see Jacob my therapist but ugh my schedule has no room to sit and talk about feelings
Sit and talk about the devil man that lurks my dreams and haunts my soul

No one shall ever know the depths of secrets
The depths of my scars

I just know that one day these chains that are sinking me to the bottom of my ocean of pain
Will break
And I will fly high
That I can touch the edge of the universe

A girl can dream right ...

Xoxo passion

The moon

The stars
They look like glitter sprinkled on the sky
The moon
Looks like a beacon of hope
I stare at it
With hopes that one star
Just one magical star will see
My wish
My heart
And make everything right
Close my eyes
Hope
Wish
The moon will guide me
The stars will find me
Angels will lift me above the pain
And carry me to you
The moon will shine down
On this us
Grant me a wish oh stars
The wish to love
And be loved
The moon
The stars

And I wonder

I wonder
Will this circle that we are in break
Will we ever be free of this thing that torments us from being one
Will your smile disappear
Will your eyes lose its shine
I wonder
Will your heart beat my name
When u find out who I really am
What I've done in the past and still in the present
Will you forgive me or simply move forward
Disregarding that I love you so
Will u ever be able to not look back
Look for me
Want me
I wonder
Will it hurt u when u hear our songs
Smell my scent on others
Will it not hurt u if u come across our photographs
I wonder
Will it be too late for an apology
For me to make it up to u
To love u simply as me and not as how u think I am
I wonder
Do u ever want this us forever
And I wonder
When u look at the sky
Will u see it the same once I'm gone
I wonder
I will sit and wonder

I see you there

I see you there
With tears hidden beneath that smile
Those deep scars embedded In your soul
And even when you try to distance yourself from it all I can still see it a sad child
I wish I could kiss away your worries
Kiss away those thoughts of fear
I want to embrace u with my arms and hold u close to my heart
I see you just there
Waiting for a love to come and rescue your lonely heart
See you there hoping for a fresh start
I see you there
All that is you with that wonderful cute laugh and warm eyes
I see you there
I promise
My love feelings and devotion to you to us I will never hide

family time

i find it essential to take atleast a day to spend not doing chores not being glued to the computer or the tv ignoring the cell phone and electronics and just focusing on the kids good clean fun so we went out to eat and catched the latest avengers movie we had a blast even tho it was a very long movie my kids sat quietly and enjoyed it to the fullest i was shocked. i love movie dates i love any time just spending with them and just being a big kid we took tons of funny pics we even did (me and lily) the photobooth which was our first time ever! she makes me smile with her lil ways that is so like me hopefully come mothers day i get to spend some more family time got a few crafts i want to do especially with this rain it will give me great opportunity to just sit them down and have some fun and laugh at the end of the day that is all that matters to me....

sesame place trip

we was able to score free tickets for autism day at sesame place it was great! my oldest who is autistic branden had a great time i was pleased to see many other parents sharing their stories about their children and also i enjoyed the time with my kids i think its very important to take out time from a hectic schedule to see them smile im glad it was during autism awareness month too. none the less i will be going again next year for autism awareness day :) go sesame street!

light it up blue

tomorrow i ask everyone to wear blue in honor of my son branden
for austism awareness
thank you

gratefull...

ten years on 3.09.02
we said i do
even tho i have zero wedding pictures
i have it all in my memory and heart

who would have thought that we would make it to this mark
another step and brick in the foundation of our love

i really had no idea

but true love doesnt just fade into the background
it sustains itself
supporting eachother is key
communication
and loads of laughter
without laughter and happiness we would have failed

but the key to our success story is that we are best friends
we keep it spicy if u know what i mean

he is the one i talk to when i feel down
he is the one that makes me laugh the most
and even tho at times i want to rip his head off
and feed his body parts to strays LOL
i love and adore him

i cherish his strength
his witty character
his sense of humor which always has me in tears from laughing so hard
his spunk
and his endurance and will to make things work

<3

this is love
our love
and im forever grateful

My super hero

You hold my heart
Sheltered me
Captured me
This madness of me and you
Is something we simply always get threw
I try to pull away
Not knowing what I have before my eyes
But here you come with your cape
Rescuing me even when I struggle to to hide
Your amazing
Something I can never take for granted again
Your my lover my hero
And most of all your my best friend