update!

things are going good. the swelling finally went down. i was depressed yesterday no reason to be exact just wanted to sleep cuz of the swellin in my hands and feet it felt horrible. nothing like i never experienced before.

gladys came over the other day we chilled she mad cool.

imma b in nyc this xmas i wonder how thats going to be like. hubby got me an ipod dock and i can listen to my ipod which was pretty nice. he thought of me this year which was nice for once.!

usuallywe dont get eachother anything but he is content which makes me happy.

nothing else is new
kids are great doing good like always.

idk why i blogged just something todo something to write

when the tears came

when the tears came where was ur hand to wipe them
where were u i had no consolation
when i felt so alone
abandoned
despair engulfed my soul
my precious tears shedding softly
only my hands to wipe them
where where ur hands
where was ur hugs
now that i need u
no where to be found
and when the tears came
i cried alone.

jewelry store of mine

so ive been making jewelry and heres my store please feel free to tell others about it and make this a successful business for myself thank you

update!

so yeah everything is just blah
just wanted to write and vent
i got wasted saturday at round 6 halloween party
turns out i shouldnt be wasted and try to smoke a cig while putting my phone away
yeah pretty much burnt the screen off my phone
boo hoo
now im screwed with no way to even get a phone
especially via the service i got which i love cuz its affordable for my budget at this present time
oh well cant do nothing but suck it up and keep it moving
didnt realize i drank so much
hahahahaha
fun times tho
so i got called ungrateful etc
how am i ungrateful when i cant view calls or texts so whats the point of having a phone
i dont get it
anyways screw it im just going to enjoy my weekend
a paid trip to nyc from my parents
i need the time away
just want to breathe
away from everything that philly has brought me etc
lets see how this weekend goes details and pix to come xo

love fades...

each day ur words seep into my veins and soul like poison
making my soul tormented
making this heart cold and lonely
i try to surpass them
but they constantly beat me down
and this constant abuse makes no sense
i stay
yet half of me is already gone
as u continue with the words
i continue to leave yet u dont notice
one day i will be gone
completely gone for good
with all my bags backed
no looking back
there wont be no rooms for im sorry
there wont be no rooms for making it all
its all too late
the damage is permanent
and done
when love fades
theres nothing but a broken heart left
to mend and fix
to repair and let someone else come in and take what u took for granted
when all is said and then ill be the one better off
and youll be the one left with regrets
when love fades
theres nothing left to do but shut that door throw away the key
and move on to a new chapter in this book called life

how to feel at the end of all this

i sit here and think of all the things said to me
and all i can do is sit and ponder of the things that will come at the end of it all
the loneliness that will consume me once the wheels of that plane take off
with ur name embedded in my skin
a constant reminder of a love so deep
cherished with every part of my being
its easier said then done
at the end of the day all i can do is sit and cry
scars from your words
scars from the pain
what will i do once your gone
what will happen to my heart once your not in my presence
will i still be a reminder
with my name on you forever
will you be able to look into your daughters eyes and not think of me
or look at your sons smile and not think of me
will u be able to look in the mirror and know you hurt me like this
hot to feel at the end of this
i just dont know
i cant fathom the thought of my days without u in em
i cant fathom sleeping without ur scent on my sheets
i cant fathom the day your gone
no longer by my side everyday being my foundation and my rock
what will i do when my sanity loses control
so many questions that cross my mind yet im afraid to ask
afraid to tell u that everything i feel is real
that all i want to do is grow old with u
that i just wish u would accept me 100% and not partially
what will become of this
ten years
eleven years
can u look back and not hurt as much as u
and just smile
appreciate the little things
appreciate my heart love and devotion
constant
never withering
hot to feel at the end of this
only time will tell
but just know this one simple thing
ill be forever on your skin as u are on mine
love always ....

at the end

everything felt so utterly perfect

ur fingers entwined with mines

your lips so soft upon mine

that little sparkle in your eyes when u gazed at me

now

at the end

ur nolonger holding my hand

ur lips dont touch mine

the sparkle is simply gone

at the end

everything feels horrible

tears overwhelm this face

so empty

i look at my hands and think

how great we were

once upon a time…

at the end

end of story

no happily ever after

no good byes

just shattered images of one another

the hopes and dreams faded

at the end

there was nothing…

batches of poems

i wouldve stayed
u threw the blame on me

treated our love like a game

i had to prepare myself for this fall

thought we couldve conquered it all

but i failed to see the lies

the deception

now all thats left for me to do is cry

gotta let go and simply say good bye

got so many questions

yet u wont answer why

i wasnt perfect yet no more chances were given

i wanted to be ur sweetest sin

and weather this storm

but now im standing here without u

had to say good bye

had to let myself cry

i wouldve stayed if u begged

i wouldve stayed if u wouldve accepted me

wouldve stayed for love

baby i miss u

dont want to love u

hate that i like u

i wouldve stayed….


too many times before
too many times before

i changed who i was for the one who loved me

yet i stood there alone silently hurting

because it just wasnt me

just wasnt meant to be

too many times before i let go of something good

for something even better

and i ended up alone and hurting

too many times before i let go of the bad and held on to it

never wanting it to end

never wanting to let it go

too many times before i cried alone in the dark

silently hurting silently praying

too many times before i gave up too soon

no regrets just wonders of what couldve been

too many times before

but we all live learn and grow

too many times before

and yet im still standing



not right now
u want me to change

not right now

u want me to be different

not right now

i cant change who i am inside

not right now

i am simply me

take it or leave it

u want me to change

sigh

not right now

u want me to be different

not right now

u want me to be affectionate

not right now

just not right now

or maybe ur just not the one i choose not to do it with….

just not right now

birthdays....

so my 4 year old is going to be FIVE omg !!
cant believe how time flew. so he decided on a transformer party so i ordered his cake from shopright cuz the cake looked amazing.
and we just going to do a lil family gathering and just something simple between us...

then a month later will be brandens birthday which will be near halloween so i will do it in his class room so that way my house will be MESS free!!!

going to do paper bag initials and just something simple off the martha stewart site that i saw that i really liked alot

so after that halloween will come and i also printed out something from martha stewart on some halloween treat bags which will be awesome to do and have em around the table for the kiddies to come and trick or treat !!!

i wish i can do a halloween party lets see if i can

well thats all thats new

xoxo

the yoyo effect

life is like a yoyo
we have many downs
lots of ups
lots of tangles
and tons of dangling just there
i sometimes feel like that
that our love is like a yoyo
thats sometimes uncontrollable because i dont know if its going to stay down or its going to come back up..
good analogy i think...

so we managed to surpass our bump in the road thanks to my therapist.
she is helping in more ways then she can imagine.
she knows what to say to snap me out of my daze and my inner world that i seem to be stuck in ...
i dont like many people enter into my world
so it was not that hard to open up because i do seek help and love to talk when im not being pressured. when im pressured i seem to shut down like a car overheating.
idk why but just the thought of expressing myself to someone THAT close to me scares the shit outta me .
im sitting here waiting to get picked up for a night out yes i know shocking i havent been out in forever so i can use it ...
im so nervous tho.!
extrememly and beyond compression!
sigh
okay so let me enjoy my night out and hopefully ill come back with a huge grin on my face i so deserve this xo

where should i go from here?

so im like royally depressed.
cant believe just one smart remark from me turned into world war three.
i feared the worse of this outcome.
yet because i stood quiet and didnt express myself nor did i spazz i just sat back and watched HIM spazz.
now im the bad guy?
i just dont get it.
this is the second time this week someone has spazzed at me for no reason.
and i aint the type to sit there and argue i just let you speak what u have to speak and keep it moving because im not going to get myself worked up over nothing.
ive learned to control myself beyond anything.
ive learned that arguing just makes u look like a fool so in the end why argue? to get your point across but no one will respect it?
see how it makes no sense to bother with words anymore to humans. i think my dog understands be better lmao.
then they let a few hrs past and realize how fucked up THEY were and come and apologize. im tired of hearing im sorry
i just want PROOF thats all...
im not asking for castles or stars... i jut want solid proof this shit isnt going to continue and there will be progress at the end of the day....
thats it for now...
bye

am i dumb?

do i got stupid written on my forehead? cuz obviously i DO ! all i keep hearing is mutha fucking lies betrayal etc. i cant take this shit no more!!!! then the worst part is that I TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS or they make me out to be the bad guy wtf type of shit is that!!!

imma slap someone today i swear to god imma slap someone today!

im trying to contain myself but everyone i show it too and talk to about it say it wasnt fucking cool and fucked up but then again im the BAD guy ???? for being real and speaking my feelings and telling it how it is shit not cool!!!

blah fuck it it is what it is take it as another lesson learned fuck bitches get money

poem overshadowed

the good is always overshadowed with the bad

win or lose

cry or not cry

so overshadowed

i cant never win one battle

i fail everytime i try to stand up

my legs are weak

my tears continue to flow

win or lose

so overshadowed

sometimes i wonder why things happen they way that they did

i let go for a reason

for that person to be happy

yet im the bad guy

so overshadowed

win or lose

i cry

win or lose

i hurt

win or lose

im lost

win or lose

win or lose

overshadowed...

poem. untitled

i love the way u kiss me
sends shivers all over me
i love the way u tell me im beautiful
a thousand butterflies flutter my tummy
i love the way u smile at me
and they way ur eyes glow when u look at me
i love all the smallest things about you
that make happier than i have been in a long time
i love the way u just randomly grab me and kiss me
i love the way u make me feel
inside and out
never thought id feel this way again
but here u came along
my beautiful soul coming to mend this broken heart
thank you so much
from my heart to yours
forever will u be inside

update!

sometimes i sit and wonder why life is the way that it is? why must i continue to have a daily struggle inside with myself and my thoughts. the homefront is falling apart before my eyes. shedding tears alone and no one to hold me or understand why, why i constantly cannot smile for before me lies and guilt and shame always cloud my soul. i think that someday some day some day very soon all this will disappear. i was thinking about just saying fuck it all and bouncing! but i cant not when my kids are so happy hear. this place i can never call home. this place that has done nothing but destroy me to bits. i look around and i should be proud i did this i did it on my own but i aint. i look around and cry because idk when imma lose it all. when im going to lose my mind and just be put away and when im never going to see my family.

she got me smiling with every letter that she texts me. im in denial hard core. i dont want to be happy because i know its only a faze and sooner or later im the one thats going to be left feeling empty and alone like always....

hubby is broken and i have no crazy glue to fix him. he has reached his end and has given up and im continuing to try no matter what means and drastic measures i have to take.

thats it for now... i guess...

update!

so i created a store of my sexy pics hopefully i can create revenue off it and be able to maintain a living off my pictures ....

right now i cant sleep my brain is on over drive.!

so im seeing a new psych and therapist and they really digging in my head but i hope they help me with my jaded past that still haunts and torments me everyday of my life.

this past week ive been feeling great! ive been in a great mood and i hope no one comes along to fuck it up.

so i been chatting with a puzzle piece thats a code name and im hoping the puzzle piece while grant me the wish of having a BB and i cant wait to meet this puzzle piece.

i got back in contact with an old friend and i realized how much i missed her and we are going to keep in touch and hopefully when i go to nyc i can visit her see her and chill with her .....

sometimes i miss nyc i know everyone is out there and im all alone over here i have a handfull of "friends" but still nothing is like having ur childhood friends around the ones that really know you deeply inside and out.

my kids have been super loveable to me and i love being able to bond with them more now since ive been in a great mood. yesterday my oldest kept hugging me and told me he loved me and that made me feel even more wonderful inside.

sometimes i feel unpretty....like not good enough .... i guess cuz i grew up always thinking i was the ugly duckling ya know. but lately i been getting so much attn and compliments that its making me smile a whole lot more.

well thats all thats on my mind right now hope u enjoy the latest poems....

puzzle of my heart

all this time searching

for the missing pieces that i lost

the puzzle that is my heart

so incomplete

sitting there

staring at me constantly

searching high and low for those pieces

i think ive found one

im going to put it in and hopefully it completes the puzzle

the puzzle of my heart

will it be true

will it fit

i will sit and wonder

till then the missing puzzle pieces will remain missing

lost but soon found

my store

hey i created my own store of quotes pictures and graphics ill be making stay tuned for more to come

http://www.zazzle.com/passionz

jaded lil girl

lil girl in my soul

crying in the corner

still hurting

neglected

abused

molested

abused

used

unwanted

depressed

alone

crying

jaded lil girl

in my soul

lonely

sad

crying

constantly

lonely

unloved

jaded lil girl

poor jaded lil girl in my soul

reaching

wanting

yearning

crying

shattered

jaded lil poor girl

a wish...

i sometimes wish my life was different
that i aint have to feel so empty inside
that i aint have such deep seeded issues
that i aint have to cry every nite i sleep
i sometimes wish i was normal
what is normal anyway
i wish i aint hurt
i wish i wasnt born
i sometimes wish the waves would wash away this thing i feel
things thing i cant comprehend
nor explain in details
because words are empty
words are mere dust in the wind
i sometimes wish my life was different
that i could wake up smiling
instead of crying
i wish i would be a better person
inside and out
instead my pass has jaded me forever
trusting no one
loving no one not even myself
sometimes...
a wish...

please donate

please donate so i can open up my own domain all i need is 12 bucks thanks id appreciate it so that way i can have an official site for my poems

where did my knight go?

i was recued from a knight
from a castle of dismay and misfortune
hurt and abuse
where did he go
he seemed to have abandoned me when im the most frail
i want him to come back in that white shiny horse
with flower streaming from its tail
where did my knight go
catered to no longer exists
i felt my heart shattered
splinters pierce my soul
no longer whole
complete in utterly broken
forever
love no more
hurt more than ever
where is my knight
i look for him a midst the woods
yet i cry for him
yell for him
tears no longer wiped away
tears clung to my face embedded in my skin
like scars permanently
where is my knight
he was so perfect in the sunlight
perfect like the stars in the sky
where is my knight
he is gone
forever
my heart broken

lies of venom

your lies seeped into my skin
refreshing yet poisonous
i embraced em
wishing they would become reality
little did i know i was in your web of deception
i cried when u told me the truth
and still accepted it
i cried when i heard the lies
and refuse to believe it true
how could u hurt me so bad
how could love be so sad
lies of vicious venom
seeped into my brain
my soul
my heart
my brain
now its forever engraved in my skin
i will dying knowing that our love was a lie
that our love wasnt real
but a mere fantasy of mine

just random quotes of mine

these are quotes i posted on twitter and wanted to blog em so i can remember em

'No one knows destiny till you fulfill it with eluminating love

'Didn't listen to others listened to my heart I knew he was the one right from the start

'Got an appetite for his love a thirst I cannot quench his love is bittersweet but it's the best thing for me

'Need to protect this fragile heart before someone comes along like a tornadoe to destroy it

'In pieces love can leave you sometimes false but once it's arrives it knocks you down n nolonger hurts

'Love holds no boundaries

'Can't love you from afar unbearable it is

'I'll die without being with you get sad when your not around just want to taste them lips

'I only ask to be with me love me adore me for eternity

'Love is dangerous but it can also be wonderful

'everytime our bodies entwine in our moment of passion i reach extasy

far from perfect...

i dont sit here and say im perfect im flawed like every human being
but i know in gods will i will be blessed again
i used to sing in church and loved every minute of it
i sometimes wish i can turn back the hands of time
but like i heard today someone preaching look and the mirror and say forget the past
god is with me
i dwell too much on my misfortunes
and on the hurt and the pain caused by family, friends and passed loves
i no longer want to live that way
so in my imperfect self i will find solice

best moments

are shared with the ones you love the most
right now im kinda sorta not really drunk
kids are sound asleep and needed some alone time with hubby
best momments in life is when u look at the one u love and theres that twinkle in his eye
im going to pay for his twic card so he can get a very good job that pays him 17 an hr. and they may be able to transfer him to texas which i would love to be close to my grandparents and auntie
whoa im blasted blogging
i probably forget about this

the best momments is when u see ur kids bonding with a family member and they get so attached ah my kids are such love bugs they are great

i love my rommie she makes me happy shes so special to me

ive decided to leave the negativity in my life out close but not as close as we used to be

id rather it be that way before we say things we dont mean to eachother especially since i got a reckless mouth

the best moments is watching ur child wake up and see their smilles
i love my life
its jadded but perfect and right for me
and i know sooner or later god is going o bless us big time...

leaving it all in gods hands

xo

poem untitled

written in 2001

your memory is like the sunshine
making the storms from the past
seem like a distant memory
but the light was gone
i wasnt it to return
once again
just a simple phone call
braught lite into my life
you gave me hope
when there was none
to love you
for you to love me
but will u hurt me
and break my tender heart
but i forgive u once again
so i could move on
but i will always have you
in the deepest part of my heart
forever and always

cant help but love you ....

i cant help but love the way u hurt me
cant help but love the way u lie
cant help but love the tears u make me shed
cant help but love when u make me cry

cant help but love u
jaded as we both are
loving u from close
and loving u from afar

cant help but love the way u caress me
cant help but love the way u kiss me
cant help the way we are
just simply us so meant to be

cant help but love the way u adore me
cant helpt but love the way u admire my body
cant help but love the way we make love
cant help but love the way we just show it off to everybody

no one cant stop our love
unperfect but yet oh so right
your my everything my all
my day and my night

where do i go from here ?

as im sinking furhter down the spiral road of my depression im thinking to myself do i continue further down or up...
they want to admit me to the hospital i really dont want to go but i feel the need to go to recapture who i was and stabilize my emotional and mental issues...
maybe its for the best so imma wait a while see if the bipolar meds will help me as i stay home
and enjoy my weekend vacation away at the poconos with the kids and their father.
my life is far from perfect right now
i need to grasp on to something before i keep falling down this depression
wheres my rope?
there aint none
hopeully one will fall down from heaven as i continue to pray....

and then there was us....

this past weekend hubby was amazing took charge and handle the house while i rested i hope he does it again this weekend.

the kids are okay ethan is feeling much better from his cold thank god

navayli begged me to give her a pedicure so i did a mommy and daughter pedicure session with her which come out mad adorable she loves it and im glad we get to bond and be so girlie together

so theres this new person in my life we will call her ms b so ms b wants to take me away for the weekend i asked hubby and he said okay as long as im a good girl so imma step my game up
ms b is amazing she listens and gives me attn. and shes just ugh amazing. her eyes are perfection. i cant keep going back to these girls that continue to hurt me just because im married its not right and not fair either eccept the whole package or keep it moving.

ms b needs to understand how really jaded i am and my multiple personalities lol i showed her one today cuz we argued over jewelz shes like u better not take her back im like yo just chill why they gotta be so jealouse about the past i dont get it oh wells

so today i went shopping and sent 30 bucks on cosmetics nailpolish etc i need to always have my toes on point every week has to be a new color or else it drives me nutso and even did a flower arrangement for my front window cuz it was looking pretty sad with nothing to make it sparkle lol

for some reason my itouch headphones sound so low then the other ones are like static ugh cant ever catch a break so he baught me new head phones hopefully they are good.

i love to sleep with music in my ears due to his severe snoring. lmao well atleast im able to sleep better sheesh!!!

well let me go finish cooking xoxo

dementedlee

dear venom...

why must we continute to go into these same circles....
why cant u c that i am trying to be a better person and women for ur sake
ive done alot of changes
was it not enough for u
why must ur words hurt me like a knife piercing my soul
why does ur love cause me to feel like theres venom in my veins
i want to scream and shout and tell u that u mean the world to me
yet u make me shut down
u make me feel like im not good enough at times
i know im broken
im damaged
intolerable
but im human
u vowed to love me forever in front of god
yet i feel like that love doesnt exist anymore in ur heart
i feel like im a burden
a thing u must take care of like a stray kitten
why must love hurt yet feel so good
do u love to make me feel this way
i cant cry
i cant sit here and tell u that i just want u around
i dont need luxury
fancy things or money to make me happy
all i need and ever wanted was just u
all of u
none of the rest of the bullshit from the past that seems to be lingering over ur head
dear venom
why must i love u so....

something new again?

lost ten lbs without much effort cuz i stopped the quick trim pills.

then on the other hand the doctor wants to test me for RSD which is basically idk more complicated then fibromyalgia because of my symptoms are too severe....
i just shrugged it off and acted very non chalant and it still hasnt bothered me because doctors are always saying certain things to me and the blood work always proves em wrong. first they thought i had lupus go figure .... but if i do have RSD idk how im going to react if its positive so we will wait and see after the EMG and the blood work....

hubby has been saying ive been really intolerable...idk how im just being me i mean i know ive been extra mean etc etc but um its just that TIME if u ladies get my drift lmao....


i went to my first ever premier. i went to see eclipse with marie and my roomie stephiie. it was so much fun! it was so crowded and all the lil girls and even grown ups with t-shirts that said team jacob or team edward. i thought it was the best experience of the year for me! lol. u can tell i dont get out much then my roomie had like a big bag of chocolate so after wards i had the only sugar rush because the new med my doc gave me made me extra woozy, so imagine i was like half asleep the bus ride towards the movies and the bus ride back i was a hyper lil one that couldnt stfu....

my cable was out for two days! it was hell i tell u!.... i called comcast and told them to go fuck themselves etc.... i am so wreckless with my mouth sometimes its going to get me into some deep shit again if i dont chill out but thats just me and if u dont like it then step!

i got hit up from my modeling site to do a gig idk if im going to do it or not i get 50% of the revenue from the site that my pics will be up at....
so lets see if its real or not... cuz i wont do anything unless im paid upfront i aint going to wait for no profit they is bugging!

well thats it for now... see ya soon

xoxo,
lee

fibromyalgia.... hurts

so yesterday was my doctors appt and i have to get an emg done and they want to try to put me savella. i hope they do cuz i heard from fellow other suffers that it works! so lets pray my insurance covers it.

even tho i got bad news i was still chipper. i just cannot continue to let the bad take the best of me so i will stay positive and leave it all in gods hands u know he has the power to cure me and he has the power to take me if its my time....

so thanks to cyn i met a cool girl via facebook and she is so creative and created these amazing journals so experimenting i created one for my roomie cuz she loves to write and i wanted to thank her for being such a good friend. i think a gift made is better then something u can buy right or wrong?

i took my anxiety meds and im real calm and took a naproxen because my body is so achy i got some new pain killers and i hope my hubby gets it for me from the pharmacy...

still no plans for the fourth of july but tomorrow i will be going with my roomie to see the eclipse first show and premier im so excited i never did anything like that so imma dress real cute to take pics like always lmao


today my oldest started summer day camp im so glad atleast it prepares him for first grade...
and one less kid in the house to bug me lmao... i love them tho they had me cracking up at my doctors appt tomorrow but i refuse to take em with me again oh man poor doctor must of been like these kids are a handful no wonder shes always in pain lmao

well thats it for now loves... im trying to get inspired to write some new poems instead of writting old ones up.... stay tuned :)

low blow to my selfesteem

so right i was trying out this modeling thing for a specific in which i hope they crash and burn and dont get no types of income!!! their lost!!!

i know im a lil on the thick side and have a HUGE ass but damn that just made my self esteem go do low..

then i hit up my mother and i was like yo mom they aint hire me she was like "ur fat wtf u expect"? like r u serious ur supposed to be mom and not put me down further when what i am but then again my parents have always treated me like i was never good enuff. like i wasnt up to standards but then again i have a cousin in PR that looks exactly like me and she models so whats the difference between me and her????

well guess what fuck u site to the site that aint hire me cuz imma build my own damn site and imma have curvy sexy girls on it and i hope that u go to hell and i hope that i make way more money then ur dumbasses


phew i just vented oh dee....

gotta get this off my chest because i broke down and cried for 30 minutes....

xoxoxoxox

dementedlee

I must confess I have had feelings for you for a few years, but I know that there would never be a "us".

um okay but idk who u are maybe u should inbox my twitter or FB and fess up to it ...

Ask me anything

a good day today is ! woohoo

so alright i know for the past two days i let my bipolar disorder get the best of me. hubby came home and say how super stressed i looked and told me please take ur meds and get some rest. what! my lil butt didnt hesitate at all!! ran to my collection of meds which is a severe amount and just went for it! lmao....

next thing i new i was asleep soundly till about 4 am when i woke up super energized mind u i was asleep from 6 pm! im so glad he suggested it cuz i so needed it i felt like i was at my breaking point like really over the edge of jumping off a bridge type lmao...

so now today i washed the dog skooter our lil dust monster cuz his hair is the worst they be dust everywhere it so drives me insane!!! and i did 4 loads of laundry which i prefer doing over dishes. u know doing dishes is my biggest pet peeve? how many women hate and get irritated at the thought of doing dishes? *raises hand*

so now my back is killing from lifting the laundry basket um yeah when theres pros theres always cons! wth!? so right now i decided to make an appt to my doctor so if they can give me other fibromyalgia meds ugh cuz i have sucj crappy insuarance thank u govt! lol.

okay so todays agenda consists of doing some much needed food shopping...hubby wants me to make him a basil parmesan rigatoni dish...lets see if i can pull it off if i do i will def. post a recipe up for u all to have. ..


xoxoxox

dementedlee

bipolar much... hmmm

okay so today i woke up with my whole body aching like i was run over by a truck fmlx3

i just took all my bipolar meds yes i know im a lil demented hahahahahahaha

i wanna be soaring

kids are driving me up the wall i wake up to a surroundings of disasters i need my mother in law to come to the rescue asap before i hang em out the window no im joking sheeessh....

hubby wants me to take a nice nap a nice nap isnt going to make how i feel go away

ambiens, trazadone, respiridone and zanies on deck! cant tell my ass nothing!!!!

whoot whooootttt *does happy dance*

omg and its finally raining so its like a relief from this horrible ass fucking heat thats making my damn mood 20x worse lord help me

okay that it for today hopefully i can get some poems up tomorrow if anyone submits anything to me put up so if u have anything u want to post up let me know~~

xoxoxoxoxox

dementedlee

& sometimes i wonder.....

why it is that things happen to me or say things towards me that i stay days dwelling on it and refuse to respond back to it....
its like really u just said that to me wow....
before i wouldve snapped and cursed em out i mean come on now im from the bronx!
but as the years have rolled by my mouth is still reckless but i think before i speak now.
so anyways someone said something that seeped into my blood and made me want to become back to whom i was and just be like fuck it they dont deserve the new me anyways if they feel that way...
i should always be number one if i cant be then wats the point?
im not trying to sound any type of way but if i made u who u r today and been there when no one else was and still am there whats so hard about just forgetting about certain people wow just because u grew up with them big deal!
alright thats my vent on that situation....

im so achy cuz yesterday i had no net connection for like 3 hrs! can u say i wanted to cry hell yeah i did want to so instead i cleaned and texted away on my new phone ....
so now im paying for all that cleaning cuz of my fibromyalgia its no fucking joke and sometimes people think oh shes just lazy no dumbass u dont know how hard it is to sometimes roll out of bed. to walk. to sit straight. to bend down. etc.
those who suffer with me know what im talking about and the people that think that im just too laid back about house work are just fucking retarded cuz when i do do it yo i go all the fuck out and theres no stopping me! that shit really irks me!

then i go to get some chocolate out the fridge cuz i woke up cranky as hell and my daughter ate all the good ones....it was the mixed hershey bag.... that shit was almost ten bucks and theres like a few kisses left like wtf? so i hid the bag so she can no longer dig into it lil chocolate feens i sweeaarrr i know they get it from me but damn!

branden is still sick hopefully he feels better cuz im telling u it aint pretty having to wake up to him crying cuz he did two types of accidents in the bathroom....*if only it was urine but it wasnt* BLAH! so imagine trying to clean two types of accidents in a tiny bathroom i so need two bathrooms in my next house one for these monsters and one just for me alone....

a girl can hope and dream... some day .... some day.... *sigh

cries unheard - poem

hear my cries so silent i think i may go violent
peope think im so cool its not that true
i am cruel
i scram
i shout
no one asks what is it all about
in a box
i am trapped
no one seems to hear my cries
open ur ears
& try to hear
my silent salty tears
that no one wants to listen to or bare to hear
i am so sad
so alone
i just dont need to be thrown a bone
hear my cries
deep
deep
deep
inside
so many cries unheard
silent tears....

news and update

okay so first off i got to spend fathers day weekend with my dad and hubby. we had tons of fun went to the beach and my new roomie and bestie went with us which was amazing!!! i really adore her!

branden passed kindergarten and is exceptional in math so im really trying to get him into more math related stuff so he can have an awesome job to fall back on when he gets older.

right now my fibromylagia is acting up so im in bed on my damn heating pad blah at that!!!

imma try to do more makeup tutorials on my youtube ill be putting the link up on here and see if my roomie will do some too with me....

me and the hubby got new wedding bands which are amazing our anniv. is coming up damn ten years flew by like nada.

well thats about it lets see if i can lose 20 more lbs since i started the quick trim again. and do a few sit ups with hubbys contraption i got him thats collecting dust lmao....

peace and love

stay tuned more poems and stuff coming up!

overwhelming love

i wanna thank u everyday for always being with me
i wanna give u infinite kisses
u are a tender sweet love
one i took for granted and didnt recognize and appreciate till i almost lost u
i wanna thank u for being with me every minute of everyday my heart grows fonder
ur beyond special
beyond words can describe
maybe someday i can utter how much u really mean to me
with ur names inked in my skin
ur love runs a course threw me and in me
unbelieveable is this love that i have
overwhelming is this love that we have
i love every second of everyday
i love ur hugs that side smile ur scent
sometimes i cant confess just how much i feel for u
an undying love
forever yours
....

isolation....

so lately ive been so isolated from everyone...
i just felt the need to remove myself from being around the net so much
and around people that i knew for a bit
to just mostly focus on myself and my kids and hubby
and i must admit that i really like the result of it
im less stressed out
more driven to do wat i have to do
so if u feel the need that i am ignoring u dont feel bad
its just me
time to grow up and wat not
soonn my oldest school will be done and he will have sucessfully passed
trying to read to him more cuz he is having troubles with letters
hopefully one of my kids becomes a book worm!! just like i was ah id love that
so thats about it
nothing else has gone on....
maybe ill update soon or write a poem we will c
xoxo

funfilled weekend....

so in hopes i get to see my parents tomorrow
to hug em hold em and be spoiled
i missed em even tho i kept a severe distance from em
due to the selfishness of my brother
he just uses and abuses em and i refuse to sit by
and see them get used like if it was nothing
now they finally realized why i was so mad
why i refused to be apart of the madness
but i couldnt keep myself from wanting them near me
now its like all the missing pieces of my puzzle are finally
put into its place and i am content

last nite was the best i dont remember anything but none the less
i wouldnt have traded it for any other day
my bestie bookers is the bombs !
my baby mimi makes my world complete
and my hubby just simply amazing my venom!
so now i am off to finish cooking even tho i aint in the mood to cook
but let this final thought mirinate in ur thoughts

dont judge and u wont be judged!

the clouds have cleared....

theres no window u can peak threw to see all that ive gone threw
because ive blocked the windows with cement
now theres nothing left to do but close the chapters of my past
place em on a book shelf and move it right along
some people need to do the same exact thing
why because holding on to the past just makes u bitter
weak
cold hearted
etc....
and now that the clouds have cleared
and my mind is straight
i feel like i got the upper hand to be a better person than i ever was
better than what i was raised as
better then the pain that devoured my soul for years
from all the mental physical emotional and verbal abuse
so now that the clouds are clear i see the sun shinning
with a beautiful rainbow
i sit and smile pretty
because i know
nothing can ever bring me down

so amazing...

& when everything was dark u came to shine a light
so amazing that u captivated my sight
ur one in a million beyond ur years
i will give u my heart with no hesitation nor fears
amazing is thy beyond the stars
ill give u plenty of kisses and heal those past scars
i wanna shower u with unlimited devotion
take u on a journey have u flowing like the ocean
so amazing is thy
amazing in my eyes

quicksand

i feel like im stuck
in a never ending battle with myself
holding on to things and feelings that are bad for me
i see myself starring at a mirror yet all i see is sadness
this pool of dispear has swallowed me whole
these tears keep coming
all the tissues clutter on the floor
empty and dried with reminders of my pain
how could i continue to suffer and drown on my own
i scream yet no one hears me
cry yet no one wipes the tears away
in agony yet no one heals this pain within
the past has engulfed me in sweet misery
yet i remain loyal to the past
hoping that one day it will come back to reality
hoping and hoping
yet nothing comes back
everything moves on as i stand in quicksand
trying to reach out to a branch or two
yet nothing rescues me from where i stand
quicksand.... im slowly spiraling down
what can i do to keep moving forward
what can i say to heal this pain that has torn my heart in pieces
nothing.....
quick sand has engulfed me mind heart body and soul

when a girl cries

Are You Afraid To Love Her?
(When you come on home and sit quietly in the dark)
You Woke Up in bed with another
(you looked all right and you constantly played with her heart)
Your never there to hold her
(She lays alone and pleases herself at night)
Why Cant You See Shes Urning For Your Attention But You Rather Make Her Cry


It Wont Be To Long Before She Cries Out all her Tears
Then you will be all alone


Cuz When A Girl Cries
Her Tears Never Lie
Maybe She Wants You Outta Her Life
Or Maybe She Hides What She Feels Inside
It Hurts So Bad She Feels Like She Could Die
But When A Girl Cries If Theres A Smile
Maybe She Wants You To Stay In Her Life
Cuz When A Girl Cries You Must Decide Are You Really Treating Her Right? When A Girl Cries


Are You Afraid Of One Love?
(You Keep Plenty Around But They Dont Mean Nothing No)
Shes Missing Your Love And Affection
(Staying Nights On The Town With Some Help From The Other Homes)
OO Nikka What You Be Thinking
(You Know She Holds You Down)
Why Arent You Willing To Make It Last
Its A Major Mistake You Making
(You Know Shes The One)
But Your Ganna Let Her Pass
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com


It Wont Be To Long Before She Cries Out all her Tears
Then you will be all alone

Cuz When A Girl Cries
Her Tears Never Lie
Maybe She Wants You Outta Her Life
Or Maybe She Hides What She Feels Inside
It Hurts So Bad She Feels Like She Could Die
But When A Girl Cries If Theres A Smile
Maybe She Wants You To Stay In Her Life
Cuz When A Girl Cries You Must Decide Are You Really Treating Her Right? Cuz When A Girl Cries




She Might Be The Most Important Part Of Your Life But You Cant Even See It Cuz You Aint Treating Her RightYou Needa Treat Her Better You Needa Treat Her Sweeter You Need To Hold On To Her Cuz When A Girl Cries


Cuz When A Girl Cries
Her Tears Never Lie
Maybe She Wants You Outta Her Life
Or Maybe She Hides What She Feels Inside
It Hurts So Bad She Feels Like She Could Die
But When A Girl Cries If Theres A Smile
Maybe She Wants You To Stay In Her Life
Cuz When A Girl Cries You Must Decide Are You Really Treating Her Right? When A Girl Cries

love by keyshia cole

I used to think that I wasn't fine enough
And I used to think that I wasn't wild enough
But I won't waste my time tryin' to figure, out
why you playing games, whats this all about
And I can't believe,
Your hurting me
I met your girl, what a difference
What you see in her
You aint see in me
But I guess it was all just make-believe

[Chorus]

Oh, Love
never knew what I was missing
but I knew once we started kissin'
I found......
Love
never knew what I was missin'
but I knew once we start kissin'
I found.....

[Verse 2]

Now you're gone, what am I gonna do
I'm so oo empty
my heart, my soul can't go on
Go on baby without you....
My rainy days fade away when you,
come around please tell me baby
why you go so far away
Why you go...

[Chorus]

Love......
never knew what I was missing
but I knew once we started kissin'
I found......
Love
never knew what I was missin'
but I knew once we start kissin'
I found.....

I found you
yeaaahhhh
oooooo

Now you're gone, what am I gonna do
I'm so oo empty
my heart, my soul can't go on
Go on baby without you....
Rainy days fade away
when you come around
say your here to stay
With me boy
I don't want you to leave me
I need you......

thickness...

so i was looking threw my old pics and damn i was so tiny! i miss my 130s and ish i weigh well im not gunna say im thick hubby loves it i dont he says he thinks its impossible for me to get back into my normal body weight ever since i started those meds for fibromyalgia my weight has shot up like crazy and im not crazy about that. so i did some looking around and imma start that quicktrim diet from the kardashians. me and my friend desha are gunna try it. wish us luck! i hope to be back in the 130s by the summer. i wanna be able to wear my two piece bathing suits without feeling so darn insecure.

so far my day is blah...just channel surfing dont know wat to watch.... got to speak to one of my cuzins wow time flies its like we all grown and ish....its crazy....

well thats about it till i feel inspired to write some spoken word

laters

omg tell me he aint sexy i love him more than marc anthony dead ass his music is sooo ughhh me muerroooo just had to blog him mmmmm *melts

update!

so for the past week ive been overwhelmed with so many emotions and things going on in my life i thought my blog omg i completely neglected it! first off imma say i apologize. imma be writting a whole lot more. i will be taking some photography that i will also be posting up....i so need a nikon exclusive photography camera *sigh* i did some modeling but im still waiting for the pictures from the photographers ugh so yeah im on a mission to lose 20 lbs. i got diagnosed with fibromyalgia if u dont know wat it is look it up!!! its very common i have a few friends that have it already. if u like what u reading on here please follow me on twitter.com/dementedlee. so yeah my kids are so growing up so fast. so now i have more time to sit and write!!! im excited to see what my brain will come up with next. i have alot of swagger jockers lmaoo @ them sorry booboo u cant be like me!! who wants to write about stuff u can read in a magazine seriously get real! just had to put that out there *clears throat* oh my bipolarness has been under control!! woohooo...been partying like crazy with my bestie i love her like a sister. also i refuse to patch things up with my family aka parents they have betrayed me in the worst way possible and kept it from me they are so beyond grimey ugh i cant stand em. oh wells fuck em!!! what doesnt kill u makes u stronger. okay so stay tuned to tons of more poems photography etc!! i also have tumblr acct u can hit up my twitter and ask for it okay thats all for now bye bye

spinning...

she loves me...
she loves me not....
she wants me...
she wants me not....
sometimes i feel caught up in her web of lies and deceit
how did i get myself involved again
i have to get myself out of this before i go insane
slipping into this pool of tears
this sick hold and power she has over my heart
now i must be strong and break free
what doesnt work now wont ever work ever
i have to learn that the hard way
everything gets thrown in my face
they say im tripping
they say im insane
they say why bother when u have a wonderful man
they are all right
but i cant help the way that i feel
ive been this way for so many years
hard to change the roots of a tree when its been in growing like this for so many years
yet im removing the roots that dont work
that are severely damaged
ive woken up
realized no one can love me the way my kids and my husband can love me
but ill be forever apart of her ....