choking in shallow water....

looking in the mirror
tears engulf my face
who is this girl
this sad broken girl
once independent
stubborn as a mule
caring and kind
now cold as stone
i touch this mirror
wishing the girl back
willing her back
where did she go
did i really get lost in the midst of being a mother
losing my identity
my will to strive to focus on them
like was it really fair to them to stop being who i used to be???
really passion
stop the tears
swallow this all up
climb out of this shallow lake uve stepped into
choking
cant move
feeling like this disability has put me in a pit
when did i let this overwhelm me
is he right
am i not the same girl i was ten years ago
sitting here crying trying to put the pieces back together
and its like really was there any missing pieces at all????
then what was the whole point of me stepping into this lake
did i really want to dive into it
or did i just automatically climb into it
where did i turn left instead of right
so many questions
tears
yet no answers
who will ever have all the answers
no one...
not even my perfect self that i was once was
why did i do all this
sitting here in silence with thoughts pouring out my brain like fucking water overflowing
tripping over them
choking
no i will strive
i will be the girl
again
independent
not reliaying on anyone but herself to make her happy once again
escaping in the thoughts of books and words
that i once loved to pour it out of me
i loveed to write for hours
now to grab a pen feels like im being tortured
i will be this girl
i will find this balance
i will not let anyone love me less then what i deserve
ive proven enought to steven that i love him more than i love myself
no its time to prove to myself that i can love myself
willingly
wholely
truely
madly
deeply
all of me
even the broken parts of me
sitting here
breeathiinnggg
relaxed
no longer choking...
in shallow water

nothing without him

i cant even breathe
this love is so special so chemically right
like an albert einstein solution
difficult but yet makes sense
the way that this feels
wish i would have had this before when i had nothing
when he is gone i dont know how to react
i wanna inhale his eccense and no one else
i wanna be the last kiss at night the first one in the morning
i keep trying to breathe
but its suffocating me without him
no use for a fone because hearing his voice makes it much worse
i feel nothing without him
want this to be so bad
somebody help me
make this all right and perfect
to have that life ive yearned for
those sweet words always pouring into my heart everyday
i dont want to give up
wont give up
without his love i wouldnt be as sane as i am right now
wont be able to handle these horrible days
he is the reason i dream
the reason i consider the things i want to do
it feels so good so right yet so wrong at the same time
imma go with the right and disable the wrong
nothing without him
is nothing at all....

surpassing hurt

emptiness
loneliness
fear
consume me everyday
when is the next lash
whens the next time i will cry
tears right now consume me
all this feels like a horrible night mare
this cant be life
i wanna hear a song
that will make me smile
but everything makes me cry
want that love that i so crave for and an never get
everyone wishes for that prince charming
unfortunately he doesnt exist only in our minds
i need to surpass this hurt
break down this wall over my soul
giving myself time to think it all threw
time is not on my side
its going slow
rush rush rush please
i beg the clock
i want u to run time father time please hurry
give me a chance to surpass this hurt
thats consumed my brain thoughts heart and soul
my spirit broken
shattered
splinters on my skin
who will love me when im damaged goods from his wrath
god where are u do u not see my tears
wheres my knight for he has changed to the beast
now i need another super hero
the chips are down
the cards are dealt
time to make a decision
and im at the end of my rope
surpassing this hurt i will do
even if i have to take the consequences

sweet desires

oh those words u speak tender this cold heart
embedding em day by day
chipping away the wall ive so longed to be shattered
day by day
time by time
word for word
u seem to get a glimpse inside
yet i hide that spot u chipped away
i dont do it on purpose
i need u rely on u like a puppy relys on its owner
how wonderful it is to have u apart of my life
no more throwing stones at the wall
the wall is down
no more hurt
ur world will be entwined with mines
bonding beyond more than i expected
knocked me out my feet
expected nothing like this
oh sweet desires
when shall i give in fully
what else do u want me to know
sweet sweet desires
i refuse to ignore what i have before me
i want it all
sweet sweet desires
how i love thee

trapped cell of emotions

wheres my super hero with his glowing cape
wheres he at when im in this emotional cell of torture
tears overwhelming every part of me
my soul crying and searching for a release
i wonder why me
putting myself in this emotional hole that has no light
missing the sounds of the sounds of the wind the feel of the sun
this tug of war inside of myself that i always seem to keep losing
shattered heart never mended
sick of all the blood stained walls
trapped in a cell of emotions
lingering within me like a tortured soul
when will it be enough
when can i just escape
lies of love love of lies
i cannot take this anymore
maybe i deserve all this
maybe i dont
till then what am i supposed to do
sit here and cry and swallow these pills
talk to walls that just wont talk back
a hug would be nice
a kiss would be nice
an i love u forever no matter what would be nice
nothing
in this trapped cell of emotions
i hear nothing
notice nothing
walls are closing in on me
wish i can claw myself out
dig myself out
trapped
maybe forever
maybe just for now
......
to be continues

therapy and new insights

therapy went fab for me today
she helped me realize that all my neediness and wants that i crave from others i need to find within myself
not only that but that when i feel that urge to need attn that i need to give it to myself instead of relying on others to give it to me
and shes so right
i love u emily for helping me cope with so many of my stressed and anger and pain
shes the best i never thought i would seek the help i need with everything pent up inside of me
and sometimes i feel overwhelmed but this time shes so right
so from this day forth i will always put myself in positions that benefit me and not others
because at the end of the day all i have is myself to make myself happy

other then that life is good bumpy but good
thought i was going spiraling down the rabbit hole like alice in wonderland
thought i couldnt find a resolution to all my neediness being as i never had any attn growing up etc

this feels great
i feel a relief off my shoulders
off my soul
and now i know that i will be a better person for myself and for my kids
and for my husband that even tho he is jaded sometimes we can make it work

well thats all for now just needed to put this out there and feel relieved beyond anything
now off to shop i go to pamper myself and make myself feel pretty inside and out

till next time bloggers xo