choking in shallow water....

looking in the mirror
tears engulf my face
who is this girl
this sad broken girl
once independent
stubborn as a mule
caring and kind
now cold as stone
i touch this mirror
wishing the girl back
willing her back
where did she go
did i really get lost in the midst of being a mother
losing my identity
my will to strive to focus on them
like was it really fair to them to stop being who i used to be???
really passion
stop the tears
swallow this all up
climb out of this shallow lake uve stepped into
choking
cant move
feeling like this disability has put me in a pit
when did i let this overwhelm me
is he right
am i not the same girl i was ten years ago
sitting here crying trying to put the pieces back together
and its like really was there any missing pieces at all????
then what was the whole point of me stepping into this lake
did i really want to dive into it
or did i just automatically climb into it
where did i turn left instead of right
so many questions
tears
yet no answers
who will ever have all the answers
no one...
not even my perfect self that i was once was
why did i do all this
sitting here in silence with thoughts pouring out my brain like fucking water overflowing
tripping over them
choking
no i will strive
i will be the girl
again
independent
not reliaying on anyone but herself to make her happy once again
escaping in the thoughts of books and words
that i once loved to pour it out of me
i loveed to write for hours
now to grab a pen feels like im being tortured
i will be this girl
i will find this balance
i will not let anyone love me less then what i deserve
ive proven enought to steven that i love him more than i love myself
no its time to prove to myself that i can love myself
willingly
wholely
truely
madly
deeply
all of me
even the broken parts of me
sitting here
breeathiinnggg
relaxed
no longer choking...
in shallow water