Distance (poem)

Hold on
Despite the miles
Don't fall apart
We need this
Memories always entwine us
Bonding this thing we call love
It's real
Never gone
Running threw the storm
Living this life on full speed
Loving whole and true
Standing on the edge of this mountain
Pushing myself to continue
Because its all worth it
Running
Leaping
Going the distance
Because all I need in life is you

Natural feeling (poem)

I can see why
You can do anything with me
Do nothing without me
I love this feeling
Beautiful and unfolding
This love that Is you and me
Now I sing happy songs
Smile
So lovely
Can't see why I can't be without you
It's just natural
To be with you
So perfect and whole
Nothing feels better then this us
It's just a natural feeling
To be in love with you

Be my last thought (poem)

When I lay down
Close my eyes
I want you to be my last thought
I want to smile in my sleep
Dream of those sweet kisses
Your lips pressed gently against mine
Stay with me in my thoughts
I can see you
Feel you
Like a shadow hovering over my heart
Not sure where this will all lead
But you hold my heart
Because you're my last thought
Be my last thought
Before I bid the night farewell
Dream of dreams of you and me
Good night
While I smile
Because you are my last thought

Jewelry easy to make

Okay so I love beads
Amongst other things
Was searching online for an easy beaded necklace
And I found one that really sparked my interest and it was a 3 string one with a ribbon / string tie back
So as u can see its fairly easy
Here are my attempts

Btw I even made one for my daughter ;) she's a girlie girl and is going to love it for a fancy dressy day or to play pretend with woohoo

I even made lil beaded earrings to go along with em just in case ya know u can't find earrings to match !

Felt finger puppets

I thought this would be cute
To help play pretend
And to help learn colors
For any age
Since I have one in kindergarten
Another in 2nd and another about to start kindergarten
With vivid great imaginations I thought
Shapes
Easy for me and fun for them
Going to put it in a little box for em
To be open on Xmas ;)

Basic is felt
String
Needle
Googly eyes that really move

Cut felt into shapes
See two together
Leave a space for your fingers
Glue a nose and the eyes
And if u want to add a mouth u can
I didn't
But use your imagination


Enjoy

Quote of the day

I fall, I rise, I make mistakes, I live, I learn, I've been hurt but I'm alive. I'm human, I'm not perfect but I'm thankful

Felt play mat part 1

So I went to michaels and got my scraps of felt
Also the large yard of felt in the bag for 3.99
Which is a perfect great size no cutting needing which really helped a lot !
So I'm almost done with it and will post up part 2 the finish product
Basically the best advice in making a car play mat town
Is to use your creativity
Add little things you know they will like
Or things that you know I'll interest them
I'm going to be doing more
Because its an inexpensive good gift
Especially now with the holidays
And hey it's hand made
So u know the kids are going to love it even more because it's one of a kind !

So excited already !

So I started my daughters surprise
It's going to be a pretend kitchen from me to her
I started on creating the foods
Until I can get my hands on a night stand
Dresser ah let's hope I can find one free
Or extremely cheap
So I can design it how I want
Etc etc
Here's a sample of the felt food I've made for her
As of yet
This is simply part one
Will make her more foods each day
And will post up the results
Basically if your interested
On how to make felt food
Just look at real food
Let it lead u the way that's how I did it
No tutorial on how to make half the stuff I'm making
But I will try to do a vid when I get comfy and used to making them
Muahz

my sons halloween cake

three layer triple chocolate cake
with chocolate frosting in between the layers
i used black icing star tip to make the spikes
and used pretzel sticks for legs
he choose the green gum drops for the eyes
it was a big hit ! try it on your next halloween party very simple trust

this was the mad scientist lab
i covered the containers with tissue paper so the kids can stick their hands in
and feel away on the eyes (peeled grapes)
and the guts (macaroni boiled)

then after each guess they each got a spooky shot
which contained jello any flavor of ya choice
and a gummy worm
kids loved this also !


these were my two best things ive made and got super creative with
i will be posting more desserts and foods as the holidays approach
hopefully u guys can find inspiratiion in my two little ideas
and tell me if u would do it for yours

xoxo

update

so alot has gone on since i last posted
i been bit with a very big creative bug !
i simply cannot resist all these wonderful blogs i am coming across of
im intoxicated

okay so whats new
the fact that i got diagnosed with epilepsy
have to get another MRI of my spine
to then see if i need to undergo surgery
scared
heck yeah i am
i sometimes wonder why me
but then i look around and see my three beautiful kids and i just know
that im meant to be their mom
and thats the most important thing in the world

me and him
hit alot of bumps
lets see where this new road takes us

i will try to post more poetry

and also little stuff ive been creating etc

hope ya like it ! and enjoy the new blog

paper doll

right click and save
my daughter loves dolls
especially able to switch their clothes
my printer ran out of ink too
but im def saving it and will be printing it out on hard stock paper for her

when things get rough...

so i know i sometimes lash out emotionally and like clam up and shut everything off inside and out
i dont do it on purpose
its just how ive always dealt with problems and just cry silently in the shower
i sometimes dont like to speak to others cuz then they will try to force their thoughts on me
when people come to with problems or issues i just listen
and try to make em see both sides of the street and let them decide instead of forcing
my own opinion on them
i guess everyone is different u can say

preparing for ethan's birthday he going to be the big 6! he started kindergarten and the first day he cried but then after that he has been good and excited and oh so eager to go.

im proud of my kids that are the reason why i am still alive honestly.

life has its many shares of bumps in the road
its how we pass threw em that matter


Do you wanna dance

i sure can use some dancing i went out with dan and panda to shampoo and boy we had to much fun dancing drinking and the gay guys were so much fun ah i must do it again word

thats all for now
hopefully ill post more soon
xoxo

thinking....

i sometimes wonder why the bad things always have to happen to me
like why us
does it even matter anymore
to continue
to even bother to try to be happy
when no matter where i turn there's a brick wall in my wall
im smashing into it
im clawing trying to reach over it
yet to no avail i cant seem to conquer this wall
sitting here with so many thoughts running threw my head
i wonder if maybe if i wouldve done things differently
taken that path on the right instead of the left
but then would i have later regret it
everything in life is a choice
then later u think and regret
wonder what if
does everyone feel this way?
i can only wonder
this sucks

that kiss - poem

when our lips meet eachother
an electricity runs a course threw my body
like a toxic shock threw my veins
feeling everything tingle
that kiss
so precious
so delicatable
i wanna savour every bit of it
pulling u closer to me
so i can be connected
as one
that kiss
that seems to remind me of our love
the power
the passion
the connection
all in that kiss
just one kiss can prove so much
can silence the thoughts
can silence the hurt
that kiss
that takes me to the deepest part of you
of me
that kiss
entwined me and you
in that kiss

out of the funk

So I started seeing a new psychiatrist and yeah I'm not too thrilled with the results on how they handling my medication when I've been on em for five years. Hopefully she will listen to me and see that I'm not lying and that yes I do need em! Still have yet to have a session with Watson my therapist ugh waiting for him to schedule and appointment I just hope he is free soon if not I guess this will be my outlet lol. I mean that was the purpose of it anyways to begin with. I slept for two days and cried alot. Feeling overwhelmed and like my life has taken a turn to a place I never expected to. My new friend Dan she cheers me up and basically out of no where I snapped out of the depression I was in. Branden started 2nd grade today and I cried seeing how quiet and reserved he is. I hope he does well and I can't wait till he comes home and tells me how it went. Ethan will be starting on Tuesday so I get a few more days at home with my chubby lovable emo boy. I just hope he doesn't get too clingy and cry because then I will cry even more! I wonder of other mothers feel this way? Makes me wonder Me and Steven have been good thank god. He makes me laugh so much I simply adore it. Me and Steph had a nice day out yesterday and I so needed it because he has been working so much that my whole days have been nothing but full blown mommy mode. Well that's it for today hopefully a good poem will arise from me if not stay tuned xo

Something sent i wanna cherish

Without darkness you will see no light without rain you will see no sun without pain you will feel no pleasure don't let this cold world make you believe you can't stand on your own don't let this cold world knock you down remember you are a child of god and no matter what and where this world takes you that you can conquer anything hold your head high and keep that beautiful smile on your face and everything will fall into place

Changes and update

So everything has been pretty smooth. But they cut hubby's hours so we have to make some sacrifices aka our wonderful new cell phones! I mean its for the best plus with the kids starting school in sept we really can use that extra 200 that we waste on damn phones on them. Being a parent always means sacrificing but I'm not down but I'm proud cuz I know I got my priority in the right orders unlike others!! So on the 25th me and make ten years whoa I know and things couldn't be any stronger for me and him def really amazing. He is going to have his mom come down this weekend so we can have some alone time and go out. Yay!!

Bad news is my cyst came back in my head :( I'm like devastated cuz I don't want my beautiful hair to be shaved off and ugh imma have to rock the Cassie look and I don't want anyone to think I'm doing it by choice. The doc didn't call me so I'm guessing it was non cancerous which means it's operable and the meds I'm on can be on it's way to working. I read online that u can continue to get them and I remember having one when I was little but my mom doesn't know much details. Ain't that wonderful of her? Can u hear the sarcasm in that um yeah def !! Smfh I guess my mom just isnt those moms that really pay attention.

Got to spend some time with my bro tone and it was nice we talked but it was short lived cuz he went back to being miserable when I was trying to push him to be better. I guess some people just don't wanna move forward he is just going to keep getting shoved down. I feel so bad for him but eh can't do nothing about it now.

My netbook is also on the brink of messing up on me it's hard for it to charge I hope very soon I can come into some money and buy a Mac book so bad like seriously!! Oh and an iPad cuz I love my iPod so much it's ridiculous tee hee

Well that's all that's new hopefully with this new app I can write more poems on here

Xxoo

under pressure

when the mountain seems so high
that im climbing
trying to reach that peak
but i just continue to slip further down
instead of up
wish there was an elevator
it would be much easier
but life is never easy
obstacles always in the way
must take steps forward
not give up
not look down
cuz if i look down ill get scared
and never make it to the top
must continue
under so much pressure
as the air gets thinner as the peak gets closer
i slip
down i go again
but i cant give up
i continue forward
praying to god to give me the will to carry on
here i go again
under pressure
to reach that unattainable peak
this mountain of my life
stones crumbling beneath my feet
oh lord help me reach the top
under pressure

trapped memories

trapped memories inside my head
every song i hear
everywhere i turn
i c you
feel you
constantly
going insane
wish i can just erase this us
but i cant
embedded in my soul
a constant reminder
of what could be
what can be
what im afraid to be
trapped memories
like rain falling on my window pane
i had to hold on to the urges to hear your voice
thinking of you
trapped memories
always lingering
forever all over me

sorrow how hollow

oh sorrow that consumes me
why arent u gone
why wont u let me be
smile
gone
oh sorrow
so hollow
why must u visit me
why must u torture me
past discretions
forbodding
oh sweet sorrow
comfort me
no more
gone
why must u come here
to this cold place inside of me
lingering
making me wonder
tears
oh sorrow
why wont u be gone
the waves of the ocean
engulfing me inside
thats how u are sweet sorrow
one chance to smile
once again
oh sweet sorrow
so hollow
why are u here

choking in shallow water....

looking in the mirror
tears engulf my face
who is this girl
this sad broken girl
once independent
stubborn as a mule
caring and kind
now cold as stone
i touch this mirror
wishing the girl back
willing her back
where did she go
did i really get lost in the midst of being a mother
losing my identity
my will to strive to focus on them
like was it really fair to them to stop being who i used to be???
really passion
stop the tears
swallow this all up
climb out of this shallow lake uve stepped into
choking
cant move
feeling like this disability has put me in a pit
when did i let this overwhelm me
is he right
am i not the same girl i was ten years ago
sitting here crying trying to put the pieces back together
and its like really was there any missing pieces at all????
then what was the whole point of me stepping into this lake
did i really want to dive into it
or did i just automatically climb into it
where did i turn left instead of right
so many questions
tears
yet no answers
who will ever have all the answers
no one...
not even my perfect self that i was once was
why did i do all this
sitting here in silence with thoughts pouring out my brain like fucking water overflowing
tripping over them
choking
no i will strive
i will be the girl
again
independent
not reliaying on anyone but herself to make her happy once again
escaping in the thoughts of books and words
that i once loved to pour it out of me
i loveed to write for hours
now to grab a pen feels like im being tortured
i will be this girl
i will find this balance
i will not let anyone love me less then what i deserve
ive proven enought to steven that i love him more than i love myself
no its time to prove to myself that i can love myself
willingly
wholely
truely
madly
deeply
all of me
even the broken parts of me
sitting here
breeathiinnggg
relaxed
no longer choking...
in shallow water

nothing without him

i cant even breathe
this love is so special so chemically right
like an albert einstein solution
difficult but yet makes sense
the way that this feels
wish i would have had this before when i had nothing
when he is gone i dont know how to react
i wanna inhale his eccense and no one else
i wanna be the last kiss at night the first one in the morning
i keep trying to breathe
but its suffocating me without him
no use for a fone because hearing his voice makes it much worse
i feel nothing without him
want this to be so bad
somebody help me
make this all right and perfect
to have that life ive yearned for
those sweet words always pouring into my heart everyday
i dont want to give up
wont give up
without his love i wouldnt be as sane as i am right now
wont be able to handle these horrible days
he is the reason i dream
the reason i consider the things i want to do
it feels so good so right yet so wrong at the same time
imma go with the right and disable the wrong
nothing without him
is nothing at all....

surpassing hurt

emptiness
loneliness
fear
consume me everyday
when is the next lash
whens the next time i will cry
tears right now consume me
all this feels like a horrible night mare
this cant be life
i wanna hear a song
that will make me smile
but everything makes me cry
want that love that i so crave for and an never get
everyone wishes for that prince charming
unfortunately he doesnt exist only in our minds
i need to surpass this hurt
break down this wall over my soul
giving myself time to think it all threw
time is not on my side
its going slow
rush rush rush please
i beg the clock
i want u to run time father time please hurry
give me a chance to surpass this hurt
thats consumed my brain thoughts heart and soul
my spirit broken
shattered
splinters on my skin
who will love me when im damaged goods from his wrath
god where are u do u not see my tears
wheres my knight for he has changed to the beast
now i need another super hero
the chips are down
the cards are dealt
time to make a decision
and im at the end of my rope
surpassing this hurt i will do
even if i have to take the consequences

sweet desires

oh those words u speak tender this cold heart
embedding em day by day
chipping away the wall ive so longed to be shattered
day by day
time by time
word for word
u seem to get a glimpse inside
yet i hide that spot u chipped away
i dont do it on purpose
i need u rely on u like a puppy relys on its owner
how wonderful it is to have u apart of my life
no more throwing stones at the wall
the wall is down
no more hurt
ur world will be entwined with mines
bonding beyond more than i expected
knocked me out my feet
expected nothing like this
oh sweet desires
when shall i give in fully
what else do u want me to know
sweet sweet desires
i refuse to ignore what i have before me
i want it all
sweet sweet desires
how i love thee

trapped cell of emotions

wheres my super hero with his glowing cape
wheres he at when im in this emotional cell of torture
tears overwhelming every part of me
my soul crying and searching for a release
i wonder why me
putting myself in this emotional hole that has no light
missing the sounds of the sounds of the wind the feel of the sun
this tug of war inside of myself that i always seem to keep losing
shattered heart never mended
sick of all the blood stained walls
trapped in a cell of emotions
lingering within me like a tortured soul
when will it be enough
when can i just escape
lies of love love of lies
i cannot take this anymore
maybe i deserve all this
maybe i dont
till then what am i supposed to do
sit here and cry and swallow these pills
talk to walls that just wont talk back
a hug would be nice
a kiss would be nice
an i love u forever no matter what would be nice
nothing
in this trapped cell of emotions
i hear nothing
notice nothing
walls are closing in on me
wish i can claw myself out
dig myself out
trapped
maybe forever
maybe just for now
......
to be continues

therapy and new insights

therapy went fab for me today
she helped me realize that all my neediness and wants that i crave from others i need to find within myself
not only that but that when i feel that urge to need attn that i need to give it to myself instead of relying on others to give it to me
and shes so right
i love u emily for helping me cope with so many of my stressed and anger and pain
shes the best i never thought i would seek the help i need with everything pent up inside of me
and sometimes i feel overwhelmed but this time shes so right
so from this day forth i will always put myself in positions that benefit me and not others
because at the end of the day all i have is myself to make myself happy

other then that life is good bumpy but good
thought i was going spiraling down the rabbit hole like alice in wonderland
thought i couldnt find a resolution to all my neediness being as i never had any attn growing up etc

this feels great
i feel a relief off my shoulders
off my soul
and now i know that i will be a better person for myself and for my kids
and for my husband that even tho he is jaded sometimes we can make it work

well thats all for now just needed to put this out there and feel relieved beyond anything
now off to shop i go to pamper myself and make myself feel pretty inside and out

till next time bloggers xo

how to escape

jaded love
how could u hurt me so
i feel no escape
trapped
entangled in its web like a predator waiting for its last chance
how to escape these webs of abuse
battling the fight i know i cannot win
trying
constantly trying
but despite it all i fail
this fruit is now poison
nothing left in me but damage hurt and despair
i loved u yet ur love caused me tremendous scars
wounds forever embedded in my soul
forever remaining a constant reminder of a love i wanted to be real
how can i escape this grip of lies and hurt
how can i escape when everytong i turn to turns their back on me
all i wanted was that wonder fairytale
yet theres no happy ending
just endless tears that consume me daily
how can the one i love abuse me so
with his hand and his words forever damaging
i wonder how will i repair this
who will love me now when i feel like damaged good
who will love me now
that despite it all apart of me cant let go of the hurt
the abuse
i wish it wasnt this way
i wish i can just go to sleep and wake upto that fairytale i just once had
how could theone i love hurt me the most
how could the one i love
just destroy me inside and out
time to move on
let go of the damage
of the poisonthat has consumed every being of me
how could the one i love hurt me so bad
how could he my knight is no longer a knight but simple a wolf in sheeps clothing
how could he
how could he

love doesnt hurt

love doesnt beat you

love doesnt cause you pain

love doesnt make u feel worhtless

love doesnt make u cry

love doesnt cause u agony internally

love is supposed to beautiful

bonding

romance

a connection no one can break

yet this love i have is beyond jaded

like the thorns of a rose

ready to prick and cause blood to flow

what to do when they one u love is the main one u can stand

love doesnt cause grief

love is healing and bonding and powerful

powerful enough to destroy the very soul i dedicated to you

wish i can move but im exhausted inside and out

trying to breathe but no air in my long

so numb

cant keep this under control

cant help me cuz no one really knows

love doesnt hurt

update

so i had gallbladder surgery and it was a pain
i was in pain for like two weeks
then finally i had it removed
thankfully i had a great surgeon the scars should be minimal hopefully soon
im glad i wont be in pain anymore
cuz i couldnt enjoy eatting or sleeping
still having trouble sleeping after surgery tho
like always i cant seem to grip the nighttime concept of sleep so i listen to music instead
which in turn distracts me even more haha
going to see my psych today and therapy next week
hopefully i can get tons of stuff of my chest
got a letter from jay felt good to read her kind words
now its time to get my body in shape for the summer
lets c if i can do this
wish me luck
will post up pics of the valentines day projects i have in store for the kids
see ya soon xo

flash!

so i been feeling like shit since i got out the hospital
i had a seizure shit was bad i was there almost three days
felt like a lab rat with all the wires and machines on me
now i owe 2 g's in ambulance charges
smfh

so he had the kids sent to his moms so i can rest
no rest here insomnia sucks
and the pain ive been feeling is unbearable
i feel like shit
caught myself crying a few times
i miss them
i miss being healthy
didnt do anything for new years just watched tv and saw him get wasted
trying to quit smoking
so far no luck
being broke sucks
having no car sucks
life is just sucky
flash
maybe in the spring it will all get better