I just know ... Update

I don't really go in depths anymore on here
No one really knows this blog exists
I've shut everyone out
I honestly don't care about "friendships" I don't care about what people think
If they need me or don't
I got tired of being there for everyone
And all I got was jack
I just love my walls
My walls won't talk back or make me feel worthless
They won't judge me if I cut
If I cry
If I play music to loud or watch tv for hours or sleep for long periods of time
It is what it is
If no one likes that I've secluded myself and became very introverted then they don't have to know absolutely anything

My mom says I've lost too much weight
This is true
Depression has bestowed upon me like a plague
Zoloft does nothing anymore
I sleep
Wake up
Feel like a zombie
No emotions
The only time I feel is when I close my eyes
Before I dream
Of the grass beneath me
I just know
That I want to feel that grass again
See those stars above me
Shinning
Sigh one day I know it will happen

I've been very sad
Just very very sad
I cry don't want no one to know of this pain that always appears in October

We went to sesame place again
And the aquarium
Got the boys into Boy Scouts
Very hectic schedule
Homeschool well it's going
We hit a few snags on our journey but nothing is stopping us
Not even this piece of shit depression

I want to go away for a weekend
I told Steven and he agrees I need time away
Not no NYC trip
Just a nice hotel by the beach or a inn or bed and breakfast
That would be totally nice
Ah I can dream cuz I know it's out of the question

I love how regardless if I speak to anyone I'm constantly a topic of conversations
I find it funny that people who's lives are royally fucked up have the time and energy and even audacity to judge me
So I say
Judge me not because you are not god you are simply human and have failed in many ways just as I have because I am not perfect I will never be perfect and neither will you !
I will no longer adapt people's drama because then it will become my own

I miss going to see Jacob my therapist but ugh my schedule has no room to sit and talk about feelings
Sit and talk about the devil man that lurks my dreams and haunts my soul

No one shall ever know the depths of secrets
The depths of my scars

I just know that one day these chains that are sinking me to the bottom of my ocean of pain
Will break
And I will fly high
That I can touch the edge of the universe

A girl can dream right ...

Xoxo passion